Wednesday, 29 May 2019

It is with much sorrow that we tell of the passing of Kmom

It is to my great sorrow that I must write that Kmom, aka Pamela Vireday my wife, passed away on May 23 from complications due to ALK Positive Lung Cancer (non-smoking lung cancer).  Her four children were singing to her at the moment, and we were all together at the time.

She never wrote about her cancer here, wanted to keep that issue out of this blog.  But as she researched her cancer she found the blogs and information from other cancer patients, and she found comfort in what they wrote.  So she created another blog to help others, as part of her legacy too.  https://cancercontinuum.blogspot.com/

We will keep these blogs active for a long long time.  She left over 163(!) drafts for this particular blog alone, so there is plenty of material available. I am hoping for a future editor to take over the blog because this is not my area of expertise.

Let me thank you in advance for your condolences and sympathies, and know that we her family are okay at the moment.  Moving forward from this point is always hard, will be ups and downs. But we are together and she is always with each of us.

For you dear reader, she would say take care of yourself too. Light a candle, meditate, hit pool noodles together, have squirt gun fights, talk to someone who will listen. Do what you need to do to mourn. And use the information you find here as you need, to carry on the purpose of this blog in your own ways.

Signed, Richard Vireday.  Loving Husband, Father to our Children, Her Best Friend.



via The Well-Rounded Mama http://bit.ly/2HIkr1p

Tuesday, 28 May 2019

My Internal Battle Rages On

I spent this past 3-day weekend deep in my feels, really digging and searching for something specific and figure it the heck out. It was an emotional rollercoaster in the realest sense, but I think in the end it was actually really good. I’ll start from the beginning, yeah? Ha-ha!
Saturday I got up and got ready for a coffee date that I was particularly excited about, but always with a grain of salt. I had dealt with a few flakes and once again took some time away from dating. It’s silly, but it’s just how I am, expand and retract. I get mad at myself for closing myself off to the world, and so I force myself out of my comfort zone in the hopes of proving myself wrong. I’m weird. I dig it. I was a lil’ nervous, which is rare for me. I’m at the point where it all feels pre-scripted and thus boring, though I always try to put my best foot forward.
Something about this person, this date if you will, got me hyped up! Which is rad! I even worried over what to wear but in the end I went with what I really wanted to wear, that matched how awesome I was feeling, over what I thought others would think is best. Note to self: always do this! I even shaved my legs which isn’t so weird for me these days, but before a first date was kind of odd. I guess I wanted to feel as good and look as truly myself as possible and I think I accomplished just that. Woo!
We connected on Bumble and had chatted online for two weeks or so. Conversation was light but it was obvious to us both that we should meet. I got to the coffee shop first though we were both running late. Some find this to be the worst offense, but we communicated and I appreciate a flawed human. So I ordered my espresso and bought a couple of nibbles that I ended up not touching until that evening. When they walked in I knew I was toast! I mean, they were like my ultimate 90’s, Joy Division fantasy come to life! Whew!
They wore a Neagan t-shirt (from The Walking Dead) with a black leather jacket and black jeans. Be still my heart! So they get their coffee order in and the conversation just FLOWED! It was so natural and we have so much in common it was surreal. When my parking meter ran out we walked to my car and then just decided to cruise. Neither wanting the convo to end, let alone the date itself or the good vibes we had between us. Then I asked if they’d been to Central Park (in San Mateo, not NYC obvs.) and since they hadn’t I insisted we meander about. We walked through the Japanese tea garden where I got married long ago. The place was alive with families and kids and pets, but we barely took notice.
When my parking meter ran out once again we cruised around some more and whilst sharing dating stories they immediately proposed our second date (this Saturday). On a whim I asked how they felt about cemeteries and when they had no feeling we went to my old haunt. Where I grew up there’s this old Union cemetery that I used to sneak out to make out with boys there in high school. I don’t know why it came to mind, but of course my head was already up in the clouds anyway. We pulled in and somehow Keanu Reeves came up in conversation and we shared a mutual admiration for that fine person.
We wandered through graves half gone from age, others appeared updated or renovated, and some from my memories were completely gone. We sat on a bench under a craggy looking oak tree and realized aloud how much we liked one another. I turned all the shades of red and couldn’t look at them for a bit, I’m not used to such open and honest communicate but appreciate it so much! Then we both admitted to having a time limit for dates, theirs (for first dates) is 2 hours, mine is 3. When I checked my watch it had been 4.5 hours! We decided to leave with our second date already planned.
I drove them home and when they went to get out I got out of my car to give them a hug goodbye. I was suddenly overcome with nerves and excitement! I hugged them and they pulled me close for a moment and it was like Junior High, the feel of that leather jacket in the sun pressed against me. *Sigh* And then they said, “May I kiss you?” and I replied, “Ohmigawd! Yes, please!” and I think that kiss made me fucking ovulate early! Ha-ha! WOW! It was electric and tender and perfect. I blushed hard and thanked them twice and we went our separate ways.
When I got home I gave them my phone number, another personal rule broken. (I wait until the second date for that as they are so rare it’s nearly pointless.) They asked if I was home safe, immediately. I sent them a pic of a tree in my neighborhood whose branches I adore. They asked if it was from our graveyard walk, but I clarified. We text well into the night, I was too excited to even try to sleep. We shared so much of ourselves and everything seemed to fit so well. And then a preference of theirs was shared as a deal breaker and for me it actually is a deal breaker. We explained our sides, but I’m not sure they understand the whole of mine and I’m doubtful they fully understand their own as they couldn’t truly explain it without seeing how ridiculous it all sounded.
I won’t go further into detail, but it was like reaching the highest altitude of joy only to descend very suddenly back to the earth. This was close to 2 am. We agreed to continue seeing each other and to see how things play out for us. I knew they were married already, but they are in an open relationship where both date other folks, so I didn’t give it much thought. I was distraught and at first devastated about their particular preference. It’s nothing seedy or gross, it’s just something I am not able to do.
The salad greens I was using the night before made me very sick the next day on top of my conflicting emotions. I had so much I wanted to get done and sort of tried to but ended up on my couch wrapped up in a blanket finishing up Better Call Saul on Netflix. Ugh! We text off and on, but while they still seemed very much interested, it was becoming apparent that my eagerness to see them again was not exactly matched, though it rarely is.
The next day I truly wrecked myself. I dove headfirst into my feels, plunged into my murkiest depths and forced myself to deal with some old shit that this person had stirred up. Honest to Zod I cried and swooned and wrote until the demons calmed the fuck down. I watched a bunch of great movies and shows that made me do more of the same. I watched Fleabag on Prime (OMZ!), Someone Great, About Time, and Pretty in Pink on Netflix. UGH! The feeeeeeels!!!! I wrote some more and then I was just fucking done!
When I read over the days writings I was surprised but felt good about what was there. I feel protective of those pieces today, keeping them close at hand, not even sure why. Likely because I’m feeling so tender hearted after all of that up and down this weekend. I feel more myself today now that I’m back in the office. I look fly as fuck, but that isn’t even the point. I think in the end I’m mad that I like this person so much. It’s so much easier to just worry about myself and the puggo and go about my life cheerfully. Now I’m stuck in this emo shit that I so do not want to deal with. Ha-ha!
So, I will keep at it, with this person, but more so with others. Why hang my hat on the first hook that seems good? They see others, why shouldn’t I? More to the point, I want someone just for me, if I’m going to bother with all these fucking feelings. It made me realize that I’ve never had a truly normal relationship. I’m okay with seeing where this odd one goes, but dammit if I’m gonna wreck myself over some dumbass human, it better be the real deal, honest and truly for me. I’m not opposed to non-monogamy, though I’ve zero experience with it myself, but I want to share all of me and have someone share all of themselves, too.
Maybe this one came into my life to show me I’m not truly dead inside and that there are folks I can trust to see me for me in the world. I want to believe this. I hate how difficult it is, or how it feels right now. They didn’t seem to want to see me sooner, despite the fact that neither of us had plans and just hung out at home separately the last two days. Ugh! Whatever! I’m fighting this out with myself and I guess only I can win AND lose! Hahahahahaha!
Oh well, oh well, oh well.
Rad Fatty Love to ALL,

<3
S

P.S. Check out and use the hashtag: #FatAndFree on Instagram & Facebook!

Check out the Fat AF podcast on your favorite podcast app for all things fat sex with me and my BFF, Michaela! (You can listen straight from the web, too!)

Donate to this blog here: http://bit.ly/2zKvPnQ

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Or get the same “shared” content on Twitter: @NotBlueAtAll

Are you on MeWe? I started a fat-feminist group there called, Rad Fatties Unlimited, look for it!

I also have an Instagram, though I don’t post much, I have been trying to: http://bit.ly/1NpWevR

And as always, please feel free to drop me a line in comments here or write me an email, I love hearing from readers. (Tell me your troubles, I don’t judge.): notblueatall@notblueatall.com



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Friday, 24 May 2019

THIS FAT OLD LADY’S FAT FRIDAY – FAT ELPHABA

Here’s a link to my latest Fat Old Lady Post featuring a new Dikke Dame (fat lady) doll!

This Fat Old Lady’s Fat Friday – Fat Elphaba



via Fatties United! http://bit.ly/2M9o8l5

Friday, 17 May 2019

THIS FAT OLD LADY’S FAT FRIDAY – UNIVERSAL STANDARD

Terri’s blog post (from This Fat Old Lady) about the travails of ordering fat jeans from Universal Standard.

THIS FAT OLD LADY’S FAT FRIDAY – UNIVERSAL STANDARD



via Fatties United! http://bit.ly/2W8aH8J

Monday, 13 May 2019

THIS FAT OLD LADY IS NOW OFFICIALLY RECOGNIZED AS OLD

Thoughts From This Fat Old Lady

My thoughts on old fat people (yes, Virginia, we do exist).



via Fatties United! http://bit.ly/2HfIEvO

Monday, 6 May 2019

Dismantling Diet Culture

Diet Industry booty callIn honor of No Diet Day, I wrote a blog post for the National Eating Disorders Association blog (I’m an Offical NEDA Ambassador!) about recognizing and resisting diet culture:

Diet Culture is dangerous and harms people of all sizes, including by perpetuating eating disorders and making a full recovery almost impossible. But when it comes to identifying Diet Culture in a world that is sadly rife with it, there can be plenty of confusion. If we truly want to prevent eating disorders and create a culture where full recovery is possible, we need to learn to identify Diet Culture and speak out against it. While this list certainly isn’t exhaustive, it covers some of the main tenets of Diet Culture, as well as some options for fighting back.

You can read the rest on the NEDA blog here!

Was this post helpful? If you appreciate the work that I do, you can support my ability to do more of it with a one-time tip or by becoming a member. (Members get special deals on fat-positive stuff, a monthly e-mail keeping them up to date on the work their membership supports, and the ability to ask me questions that I answer in a members-only monthly Q&A Video!)

Like this blog?  Here’s more cool stuff:

Love It! 234 Inspirations And Activities to Help You Love Your Body
This is filled with thoughtful advice from the authors Jeanette DePatie, Ragen Chastain, and Pia Sciavo-Campo as well as dozens of other notable names from the body love movement, the book is lovingly illustrated with diverse drawings from size-positive artist Toni Tails.
Price: $9.99 softcover, $7.99 Kindle, ($6.95 + free shipping for DancesWithFat Members)

Wellness for All Bodies ProgramA simple, step-by-step, super efficient guide to setting and reaching your health goals from a weight-neutral perspective.  This program can be used by individuals, or by groups, including as a workplace wellness program!
Price: $25.00 ($10 for DancesWithFat members – register on the member page)

Non-Members click here for all the details and to register!

Book and Dance Class Sale!  I’m on a journey to complete an IRONMAN triathlon, and I’m having a sale on all my books, DVDs, and digital downloads to help pay for it. You get books and dance classes, I get spandex clothes and bike parts. Everybody wins! If you want, you can check it out here!  (DancesWithFat Members get an even better deal, make sure to make your purchases from the Members Page!)

Book Me!  I’d love to speak to your organization. You can get more information here or just e-mail me at ragen at danceswithfat dot org!

I’m (still!) training for an IRONMAN! You can follow my journey at www.IronFat.com or on Instagram.

If you are uncomfortable with my offering things for sale on this site, you are invited to check out this post.

 



via Dances With Fat http://bit.ly/2ZVYDqp

Friday, 3 May 2019

Things That Need to Stop Happening in Fat Fashion

Biscuit doesn't care about flatteringWhile things are getting a bit better when it comes to fashion for fat folks, there is still a whole lot of nonsense that goes on, and most of it could stop immediately. Let’s talk about some examples:

The All Shapes and Sizes Lie

If your company does not actually fit all shapes and sizes, then it is absolutely not ok to say that you do. If you fit sizes 00-22, then say “Clothing for sizes 00-22” not “Clothing for every shape and size” or “Clothing for every body.” Not only is it a lie that induces people who don’t have a chance of finding clothes that fit them to waste their time on your website or in your store trying, it’s dehumanizing. If you fit through size 22, but you say “clothing for all shapes and sizes” then what you are saying is that you don’t think people who are over a 22 count as a shape or size. That negates any good that a brand is trying to do by offering at least some sizes that are larger than average.

Self- Congratulations without Introspection

Whenever I see the all shapes and sizes lie happening, I reach out to the brand. Some brands respond positively (for example, one lingerie brand changed the language in the social media post that I commented on, and reached out to me to discuss language, we’re still working on it) Other brands just get defensive, bragging about how they are offering more sizes than some companies so I should just be happy. That’s all well and good, but unless you are making clothing for literally all shapes and sizes (as companies like Smart Glamour do,) you still have work to do, and the least you can do is acknowledge that.

The inches+ Mess

Have you ever seen a size chart like this:
Bust Measurements:
XL: 38-41
2XL: 41-42
3XL: 43-45
4XL: 45+

Wait, what? So the other sizes all have 2-3 inches of stretch, but the 4X is made out of some kind of magical infi-stretch material that fits literally anyone with a bust over 44 inches? Even those of us in the largest size deserve for you to take the fricking time to stretch the material and give us correct information, especially in a situation where we are paying for the garment, and for shipping, and if it doesn’t fit we have to pay for return shipping and don’t get the original shipping refunded, giving us the joy of paying money for a piece of clothing we’ll never wear.

Plus Size Model Who Aren’t Plus Size

If you are too small to fit in the clothes, then you have no business modeling them. The fashion industries desire not to see double chins leads to thin models being “padded out” to wear clothes that are larger than they are. There are plenty of actual plus size people out there who want to be models.

Models Who Make A Living Modeling Plus Size Clothes, But Don’t Want to Be Called Plus Size

Fuck. A. Whole. Bunch. Of. That. If you are so desperate to distance yourself from our community, then get your plus-size ass out of our clothes.

Unrealistic Clothing Portrayals

So this happened. Asos forgot to photoshop out the bulldog clips that they used on their model. This idea of “making the clothes look their best” like this, and then retouching the pictures so the buyer can’t see what was done is just false advertising and sets us up to get the clothing and then wonder why TF it doesn’t look like the picture. Considering we live in a world that encourages us to (incorrectly) blame our bodies if the clothes don’t look right, this contributes to poor body image which is the last thing anyone needs. If a brand doesn’t like the way their clothing hangs, they need to remake the clothing, not break out the binder clips.

Fashion Bashing

If someone’s commitment to fashion is about what they like to wear, and they are clear that the ability to “create your own style” is a privilege and that the clothing that others want to wear may not be accessible to them due to money, availability, or other reasons – then that’s fine. But too often, even in plus-size communities, the concept of “fashion” is used as a tool of oppression by people who are still desperate to be at the cool kid’s table, and are willing to treat others badly to feel good about themselves. That truly has to stop. Caring about fashion (especially in terms of capital F Fashion, what’s “in season” or “on trend,”) is entirely optional, and caring about fashion doesn’t make someone better than those who couldn’t care less.

The Flattering Police

This is a subset of fashion bashing. These are the folks who insist that fat people have to dress to create an optical illusion to make us look as thin as possible. As a proud member of the Fuck Flattering Club, I’m here to say that this is bullshit. People can dress however they want, for whatever reason they want, and if we don’t like it, we have the option to look away.

Fashion is a complicated and fraught thing for fat people and, like with so many other things, our attention should be focused on making sure that everyone has access to the clothing they want, and then we should mind our own business about other people’s fashion choices.

Was this post helpful? If you appreciate the work that I do, you can support my ability to do more of it with a one-time tip or by becoming a member. (Members get special deals on fat-positive stuff, a monthly e-mail keeping them up to date on the work their membership supports, and the ability to ask me questions that I answer in a members-only monthly Q&A Video!)

Like this blog?  Here’s more cool stuff:

Love It! 234 Inspirations And Activities to Help You Love Your Body
This is filled with thoughtful advice from the authors Jeanette DePatie, Ragen Chastain, and Pia Sciavo-Campo as well as dozens of other notable names from the body love movement, the book is lovingly illustrated with diverse drawings from size-positive artist Toni Tails.
Price: $9.99 softcover, $7.99 Kindle, ($6.95 + free shipping for DancesWithFat Members)

Wellness for All Bodies ProgramA simple, step-by-step, super efficient guide to setting and reaching your health goals from a weight-neutral perspective.  This program can be used by individuals, or by groups, including as a workplace wellness program!
Price: $25.00 ($10 for DancesWithFat members – register on the member page)

Non-Members click here for all the details and to register!

Book and Dance Class Sale!  I’m on a journey to complete an IRONMAN triathlon, and I’m having a sale on all my books, DVDs, and digital downloads to help pay for it. You get books and dance classes, I get spandex clothes and bike parts. Everybody wins! If you want, you can check it out here!  (DancesWithFat Members get an even better deal, make sure to make your purchases from the Members Page!)

Book Me!  I’d love to speak to your organization. You can get more information here or just e-mail me at ragen at danceswithfat dot org!

I’m (still!) training for an IRONMAN! You can follow my journey at www.IronFat.com or on Instagram.

If you are uncomfortable with my offering things for sale on this site, you are invited to check out this post.



via Dances With Fat http://bit.ly/2Ja04vi