Tuesday, 31 October 2017

Is There Any Right Way to Ask Someone to Lose Weight For You?

A Big Bag Full of Nope (1)In case you’re not familiar, Humans of New York started in 2010 as a photography project by Brandon Stanton to “create an exhaustive catalogue of the city’s inhabitants.” A lovely fat acceptance story about an NYU student named Stella made the rounds of the Body Positive community a few years ago.

That’s why a recent post was so utterly disappointing.

Most of the people responding seem to assume that the subject is male, but I don’t think that can be discerned from the photograph. What we can know for sure is that they’ve found someone amazing and their fatphobia is getting in the way, and that’s entirely their problem but they are going to make it their partner’s problem if they don’t get their shit together, like, now.

Let’s take this bit by bit:

“At first I told myself I could get past it. I said, ‘Let’s just see how it goes.”

You decided to kick off a new relationship with lies of omission. Going out on dates with someone while secretly harboring bigotry against their body is fucked up. If you’re a fatphobe, then you shouldn’t get to lie about that and enjoy the company of fat people.

“We had excellent dates. Everything else about her was exactly what I wanted. I didn’t want to ruin something good for that one little reason.”

Then you shouldn’t have. You should have hauled your ass to therapy and handled your issues.

“But it’s been 1.5 years. And I feel horrible, but I just can’t get past it.”

Yeah, well, you should feel horrible. You’ve been hiding your appearance-based bigotry from your partner for over a year and a half. That’s a horrible thing to do.

“And I feel like a bad person for being bothered by it.”

You are a bad person.

“I can’t bring myself to tell her.”

A fatphobe and a coward. That’s fucking great.

“We’re going to couple’s therapy next week, but I still don’t think I’ll be able to say it.”

You’re torturing her. If it were me, I’d want you to break up with me, not tell me why (I shouldn’t have to hear or care about your bigotry issues) and go do your self-work on your own. Regardless, this lying shit has to stop.

“Is there any right way to ask someone to lose weight for you?”

Wrong question asshat, unless you accidentally misspelled “How do I overcome my fatphobia without hurting my partner?”

Happily, most of the responses are clear that this person is the one with the problem, not their partner. Of course in a fatphobic world there’s always someone ready to defend fatphobia — often with healthism — and the comment section is no exception with people suggesting that it’s reasonable to ask her to lose weight because they believe it will make her healthier.

That’s bullshit, but even if it were true (it’s not!) it’s super healthist…

Click here to read the rest of this story here!

Like this blog?  Here’s more cool stuff:

Become a Member! For ten bucks a month you can support fat activism and get deals from size positive businesses as a thank you.  Click here for details

NEW!!! Wellness for All Bodies Program: A simple, step-by-step, super efficient guide to setting and reaching your health goals from a weight neutral perspective.  This program can be used by individuals, or by groups, including as a workplace wellness program!

Over the course of eighteen self-paced, content-packed, quick videos you’ll get the tools you need to create healthy relationships with food, movement, and your body, and you’ll map out a path to health that makes sense for you, in an easily digestible format. Built-in tools allow you to track your progress and keep notes individually or as a group.
Click here for all the details and to register!

Book and Dance Class Sale!  I’m on a journey to complete an IRONMAN triathlon, and I’m having a sale on all my books, DVDs, and digital downloads to help pay for it. You get books and dance classes, I get spandex clothes and bike parts. Everybody wins! If you want, you can check it out here!

Book Me!  I’d love to speak to your organization. You can get more information here or just e-mail me at ragen at danceswithfat dot org!

If you are uncomfortable with my selling things on this site, you are invited to check out this post.



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Monday, 30 October 2017

The Way You Are

The way you areBefore I forget, last week I had an absolute blast in Lexington, Kentucky talking about Fatphobia and Capitalism (spoiler alert, capitalism attacks fat people from every directions!) teaching a dance class (which was extra fun since I’ve missed dancing so much with all this triathlon training) and talking about how The World is Messed Up, but We Are Fine! Massive thanks to Ashley and Tiffany for hosting me!

I’m also super excited to announce that I’ve been selected to be a Keynote speaker at the Multi-Service Eating Disorder Association (MEDA) Conference. The conference is in Boston March 16-17. I was a plenary speaker a couple of years ago and it was such a fantastic experience that I can’t wait to go back!  My talk is Size Acceptance and Eating Disorders – A Critical, Crucial, Core Conversation.

If you missed me in Kentucky or can’t wait until Boston you can hear me right now on Erica Ormanovich’s podcast “The Way You Are.”  Erica took her own experience of recovering from an eating disorder and devoted herself ts to spreading the word on Intuitive Eating, Health at Every Size, and body positivity. As I’ve written about before, fatphobia can play a huge part in triggering eating disorders and preventing recovery, since it’s difficult to believe that your recovery is the most important thing when the world is telling you that the most important thing, by far, is being thin by any means necessary. When hating your body and being terrified of becoming fat is considered normal, full eating disorder recovery can be impossible.  Too often people think that fat activism only helps fat people, but the truth is that fatphobia hurts people of all sizes – it’s not just the shame, stigma, bullying, and oppression of fat people (thought that is certainly enough of a reason to end fatphobia,) it hurts people whose fear of being fat takes up time, energy, and money that could be spent on other things, it hurts people whose disordered relationships with food, movement, and their bodies are normalized and encouraged. There are so many reasons to dismantle fatphobia!

You can listen to my episode of the podcast here and, while you’re there, you can check out other amazing interviews!

Like this blog?  Here’s more cool stuff:

Become a Member! For ten bucks a month you can support fat activism and get deals from size positive businesses as a thank you.  Click here for details

NEW!!! Wellness for All Bodies Program: A simple, step-by-step, super efficient guide to setting and reaching your health goals from a weight neutral perspective.  This program can be used by individuals, or by groups, including as a workplace wellness program!

Over the course of eighteen self-paced, content-packed, quick videos you’ll get the tools you need to create healthy relationships with food, movement, and your body, and you’ll map out a path to health that makes sense for you, in an easily digestible format. Built-in tools allow you to track your progress and keep notes individually or as a group.
Click here for all the details and to register!

Book and Dance Class Sale!  I’m on a journey to complete an IRONMAN triathlon, and I’m having a sale on all my books, DVDs, and digital downloads to help pay for it. You get books and dance classes, I get spandex clothes and bike parts. Everybody wins! If you want, you can check it out here!

Book Me!  I’d love to speak to your organization. You can get more information here or just e-mail me at ragen at danceswithfat dot org!

If you are uncomfortable with my selling things on this site, you are invited to check out this post.

 



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Sunday, 29 October 2017

The Casual Ableism of “Get Therapy”

A while ago on Ask a Manager, a letter writer with PTSD asked about how to get her boss to tone down a Halloween display that was triggering her.  The over-the-top decoration wasn’t a big deal, but the constant spooky soundtrack was a problem.  Not just spooky music, but screams and other sounds suggesting people or animals being horribly harmed.

There were lots of useful suggestions, but also at least one impressively patronizing comment. The commenter first expressed that he’d have trouble replying with a straight face if a grown woman was scared of a little spooky music, since children are fine with it. And he suggested that she get therapy.

After I finished swearing under my breath, I realized how much casual ableism is packed into those two little words.

First, there’s the condescension. I rather doubt that someone who’s triggered by their work environment every year and who takes the time to write to an advice columnist for suggestions is sitting there going, “Therapy?  What is this ‘therapy’ of which you speak?  I’d better go try that!”  It’s like asking a fat person if they’ve ever heard of diets (with the exception that therapy is way more useful).

But, aside from the attitude of “I must make incredibly basic suggestions that this person surely has never considered,” there’s also the underlying idea that mentally ill people owe it to abled people to never inconvenience them.  Because “get therapy” is presented as an *alternative* to talking to the boss about the decorations.

Even overlooking the fact that therapy is a help rather than a magic cure-all, the idea is still that it’s the responsibility of the person with the mental illness to “get better” completely rather than make the completely reasonable request that their work environment not be filled with screams and maniacal laughter for several days leading up to Halloween.  If the therapy doesn’t work quickly enough, I suppose they’re just supposed to take the time off.  Wait, no, that might inconvenience their coworkers.  Better just suck it up and have multiple panic attacks.  Make sure to hide in the bathroom and panic quietly, so no one is annoyed by any crying or hyperventilating that might occur. But, you know, don’t take too long.  Other people might need to pee.

That’s not to say that therapy isn’t important, or that you shouldn’t do what you can reasonably do on your own before asking for accommodations. But it costs *nothing* to turn the sound off on creepy decorations, or to switch the soundtrack to spooky music without the screams. (I guess it might cost $5 if you don’t have suitable music handy, but a boss this into Halloween probably has 47 covers of Monster Mash as well as every version of Toccata and Fugue in D minor ever recorded.)

It bothers me that people are so cavalier about other people’s suffering that they weigh “Boss gets to celebrate Halloween exactly as he wants” as more important than “Employee’s serious health condition isn’t exacerbated by totally optional and non-work related things.”




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Victory! Fat Suit Halloween Costume Off the Shelves

victoryToday for Say Something Sunday I have an update on the terrible fat suit Halloween costume that I wrote about earlier in the week. I was late to the party hearing about this and amazing fat activists lead by Kristen Hardy were already hard at work fixing it.  Per Kristen’s Facebook page;

GREAT NEWS!
I just got off the phone with the Customer Care Manager of Value Village.
Following our complaints about the “fat ballerina” costume, Value Village has removed the costume from ALL of their stores in Canada and the US, as well as set up an advisory committee for 2018 onward to look at ALL of their Hallowe’en costumes to make sure that they are in harmony with the company’s commitment to inclusivity.
Thanks to everyone who contacted them about this!

It’s important to remember that, while it’s often the slow boring of hard boards, activism works! Massive thanks to Kristen Hardy and the other activists who put in the work to get this abomination off the shelves and to further work with the company to stop the sale of other offensive costumes! Do you have an activism victory? Feel free to leave it in the comments.

Like this blog?  Here’s more cool stuff:

Become a Member! For ten bucks a month you can support fat activism and get deals from size positive businesses as a thank you.  Click here for details

NEW!!! Wellness for All Bodies Program: A simple, step-by-step, super efficient guide to setting and reaching your health goals from a weight neutral perspective.  This program can be used by individuals, or by groups, including as a workplace wellness program!

Over the course of eighteen self-paced, content-packed, quick videos you’ll get the tools you need to create healthy relationships with food, movement, and your body, and you’ll map out a path to health that makes sense for you, in an easily digestible format. Built-in tools allow you to track your progress and keep notes individually or as a group.
Click here for all the details and to register!

Book and Dance Class Sale!  I’m on a journey to complete an IRONMAN triathlon, and I’m having a sale on all my books, DVDs, and digital downloads to help pay for it. You get books and dance classes, I get spandex clothes and bike parts. Everybody wins! If you want, you can check it out here!

Book Me!  I’d love to speak to your organization. You can get more information here or just e-mail me at ragen at danceswithfat dot org!

If you are uncomfortable with my selling things on this site, you are invited to check out this post.



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Saturday, 28 October 2017

PCOS and Hair Loss, Part 3: Cosmetic Options

Background image by Flemming Christiansen, Wikimedia Commons

For several years this blog has had an ongoing series about different aspects of PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome) and its treatments. Today let's talk about a tough subject: PCOS and hair loss (alopecia).

To review, in our past PCOS series we have discussed the definition and symptoms of PCOS, how it presents, its testing and diagnosis, and its possible causes. We've also discussed the increased risk for endometrial cancer among those with PCOS.

We also discussed common treatment protocols for PCOS, and the pros and cons of each. We've discussed insulin-sensitizing medications like metformin, the TZDs, and inositol. Then we discussed glucose-lowering medications for those who have developed overt diabetes. We have also discussed anti-androgenic medications and progesterone supplements for menstrual irregularity. In addition, we did a 3-part series on birth control pills for PCOS.

Now we are talking about one of the least-discussed symptoms of PCOS, hair loss. Technically, this is called Alopecia Androgenetica (AGA) or Female-Pattern Hair Loss (FPHL). In Part One, we discussed what alopecia is, how it's diagnosed, and what might cause it. In Part Two, we discussed some of the medical treatments available for it. Today, in Part Three, we'll discuss some of the cosmetic treatments that women with hair loss may utilize, based on suggestions found on hair loss forums and PCOS boards.

If you have personal experience or expertise in any of these areas, please share in the comments section. You may well know many resources I do not. You are welcome to comment anonymously if you prefer, but of course please be respectful.
Disclaimer: I am not a medical health-care professional. This information is not medical advice about a health condition or treatment. Consult your healthcare provider before making any decisions about your care plan.
Dealing with Hair Loss

Although most women with alopecia hope for a complete resolution of the hair loss, the reality is that many will not find a true restoration of all of their hair. Some will be able to slow down their hair loss, some will have a little hair re-growth, but many will have very little luck mitigating the hair loss at all.

In this situation, helping women learn to deal with the hair loss is very important. There's no doubt that losing your hair as a woman in a looks-obsessed society is extremely difficult. Men find dealing with their own hair loss difficult enough, but imagine how much harder it is in women. Add in all the other challenges of PCOS (hirsutism, weight gain, acne, skin tags, etc.) and it can really challenge even the strongest of self-esteems. Yet women do it. If you are experiencing hair loss with PCOS, you are not alone. You can cope, and you ARE strong enough to handle this. You just need to find the path that's right for you.

Most women with Female Pattern Hair Loss try various medical treatments along the way, and some have modest luck with that. As we discussed in Part Two, the most common options seem to be a combination of a non-androgenic oral contraceptive and an anti-androgen medication like spironolactone or finasteride, or a combination of one of these anti-androgen medications and a topical hair regrowth solution like minoxidil.

Still, as time goes on, most women with PCOS and alopecia find that the thinning advances and they have to start making choices about how to handle this. Do they cover it up or not? If so, how?

Women deal with hair loss in many different ways. Some cover up their thinning hair and pretend their alopecia doesn't exist, some prefer to be honest with the world while still utilizing hairpieces and cover-ups, and others prefer to declare their freedom from hair obsession by shaving it all off and Going Bare. Most use some combination of these approaches over time.

What's right for one woman is not necessarily right for another. Often, an option may be right for you for a while and then becomes less optimal over time. Sometimes, a choice that seems completely wrong for you at first becomes more palatable with time and experience with different choices. Women often go through a progression in how they deal with hair loss, so be flexible enough to consider changes.

There is no right or wrong way to deal with alopecia. Instead, explore all your options and keep an open mind. Reach out to other women dealing with alopecia and see what they are doing; read the hair loss forum boards listed at the end of this post. Find other women who really "get" what you are going through and learn from them, while still walking your own individual path. Experiment and see what works best for you.

Concealing Cosmetics

Before concealing products; original link here
from Women's Hair Loss Project website
After concealing products (Bumble and Bumble spray);
Same link from Women's Hair Loss Project website
One option to address the thinning hair topically is by trying to minimize the appearance of hair loss. If you decide to address your alopecia by concealing it, there are a number of choices available to help you with that. These include volumizers, hair fiber fillers, concealing powders/lotions/sprays, and scalp dyes.

Here is some very basic information on these choices; you will find much more detail on these options in the alopecia support groups. Here is also an excellent link here that summarizes the pros and cons of several of these products from the point of view of a dermatologist and gives information on how to find them.

Volumizers

Volumizers are hair products that are applied to the roots of hair to help it appear to be thicker and fuller. Volumizers are helpful for people with minor to moderate thinning. Some people swear by volumizing as the first step in concealing their hair loss.

Sample products recommended by various online hair loss resources include Big Sexy Hair Root Pump Plus, Got2B powder (available at Walmart), or various dry shampoos like Morocco Method's Volcanic Powder Dry Shampoo. Some people also swear by Nioxin’s Diamax to help thicken individual hair strands.

Volumizers are not going to cover up significant hair loss, but they can be the first step in adding volume for some women, who then go on to use concealing products as well.

Hair Fiber Fillers

Image from Ad for Toppik Hair Fibers
Hair Fiber Fillers use small flakes of fibers (usually wool, but sometimes cotton or other fibers) which are given an electrostatic charge. They then cling by static electricity to the thin hairs on your head. To use, you shake the fibers onto thinning spots. These little fibers bind to and blend into your existing hair, making it look thicker and fuller than it really is.

Keratin is the same protein that human hair is made from; users report it looks pretty good when blended in. It's often used in Hollywood on stars with thinning hair (male and female). Although it doesn't "run" in the rain, a good shampoo will wash it out.

The cons that women report is that they don't feel 100% natural in your hair (a "prickly" texture), they make some people itch, and you need to use hair spray to help keep them in place so they don't shed. And of course, they are not cheap.

Recently, a new product ("BoostnBlend") came out that uses cotton fibers instead. One hair loss blogger writes about this product and its pros and cons here. She says most people find it less itchy and less prone to clumping than keratin fiber products.

There are many different brands of Hair Fiber Fillers.  The most famous is Toppik, which can easily be found in many beauty stores. Other brands include Nanogen, Revive, Caboki, Mirage, Nexgen, Organin, MegaTHIK, Super Million Hair, Hairsoreal, Magic Hair, Mirage Fibers, BoostnBlend, and many others. These can be found at Sally's Beauty Supply, Walmart, Amazon, and other online sources.

You can find some before and after pictures here, on the Toppik website, or in many videos online.

Scalp Concealers
Image from the Dermmatch website
There are a number of products out there to help reduce the appearance of hair loss by coloring the scalp. This reduces the "shine" of scalp showing through thinning hair, reducing the contrast between hair and scalp color and making the thinning less obvious. Many women on hair loss forums swear by concealers.

These concealers come in different formulas. Some are powders, some are lotions or creams, and some are sprays. You can read more about how to apply these here. There are also a number of videos on YouTube.

Popular brands include DermMatch, Joan Rivers Great Hair Day, Claudia Stevens "Cover That Gray Fill-In Powder",  Bumble and Bumble Hair Powder, COUVRe (pronounced coo-vray),Gray Away spray, and Fullmore spray. Each comes in multiple color choices so you can hopefully match the color of your hair.

The most popular scalp concealer is a powder cake called "DermMatch." The powder is compressed very tightly into a cake. You take a foam applicator, rub it in the powder (some do it wet, some do it dry), and then rub the powder onto your scalp. It is supposed to be quite water-resistant and some people report being able to swim in it.

Other powders are looser, though still in a cake. These include Claudia Stevens Fill-In Powder and Joan Rivers Great Hair Day. You apply them (dry) to the scalp and to the small thin hairs that remain. Some women on the hair loss forums report that it may help to get two colors and use both to match your hair color more exactly if you are between shades.

Masking lotion is reportedly good for small spot issues. The most popular brand is COUVRe. Other brands include Alopecia Masking Lotion and CRC Concealing Color.

Then there are the concealing sprays that are applied directly to the scalp. Brands include Fulmore, ProTHIK, Good Looking Hair, Magic Spray, Hair Cubed, Gray Away, and Bumble and Bumble. Often, these products are marketed only as cover-ups for gray roots, but they are often used to mask hair loss as well. According to reports, they can be a little messy and sticky, but go on more easily and quickly than lotions or powders. Reportedly, it looks most natural if applied in short small bursts instead of a long, extended spraying.

Some women report that eyeshadow (in the color of your hair) applied directly to the scalp has the same effect as the concealing powders, but is less cost-efficient. Others report that make-up or tanning lotion or other skin-darkening lotions and powders work just as well as the products marketed expressly as concealers.

Concealers are not perfect. Some women report that it's hard to get an exact match for their hair color, or that the concealer makes their scalp itch or their hair feel dull. Others complain that if they scratch their head, they can inadvertently leave a mark in the coverage, or get the color underneath their fingernails. It often flakes off onto pillowcases or headrests. Although concealers promote themselves as waterproof in the rain or snow, not all women agree that they are. Some seem to be more water-resistant than others. In addition, the sprays, powders, and hair fibers are reportedly very messy to apply. You might want to consider wearing a towel over your clothes and a face/mouth mask to avoid breathing it in as you apply it.

There are many brands and options for scalp concealers. Consult the opinions on the hair loss forums to see what people say about each brand, then experiment to see which brand works best for you. If you are not sure how to apply them, check out the many, many videos available on Youtube that will show you step by step how to use these products.

Many women on the hair loss forums report that a combination of concealers and hair fiber fillers works best at hiding thinning, especially as hair loss becomes more severe.

Scalp Dyes
Image from Good Look Ink
A rather extreme option for scalp concealment is to dye the scalp, either temporarily or permanently.

Temporary colors for the scalp usually include the above-listed scalp concealers like sprays, lotions, and powders. However, there may also be some semi-permanent scalp dyes available. The difficulty is in how to dye only the scalp and not the rest of you, trying to match your hair color, and in how quickly the dye might fade.

Another option is to go more permanent and basically tattoo a "five o'clock shadow" onto the head, either all over or just in thinning spots. This is called Scalp Pigmentation or "Cosmetic Trans-Dermal Hair Replication" and is a relatively new option for women with thinning hair.

For example, there is a medical practice near Hollywood that does this for many movie stars as well as ordinary people. You can read their FAQ that answers common questions about this procedure here. You can see a video of a woman who has hair loss from both PCOS and bariatric surgery and has gone through this process here.

Because this is a fairly new option, not a lot is known about its long-term effects. The ink might fade with time and need re-touching, some people might have reactions to the ink, and the procedure is somewhat invasive (like all tattoos). And of course, the thinning will likely continue, so you might need further pigmentation as time goes on.

Still, it is yet another option that some women might find appealing.

Cover-Ups for Women with Alopecia

For most women, androgenetic alopecia is progressive, and their hair continues to thin as they age. Sometimes this takes a long time, and sometimes it progresses fairly quickly, especially around menopause. Medications may slow down this process or even reverse it somewhat, but any progress is lost if the medication is stopped due to side effects or cost concerns.

Thus, at some point, many women with AGA face a time when artful styling, concealers, and hair fiber fillers no longer are enough to cover up their thinning hair. At that point they have to decide whether to cover up the loss with hairpieces, hats or scarves, let their hair loss show, or to shave it all off and Go Bare.

Toppers/Wigs

Pictures from abcnews go
There are a wide variety of hairpieces available and much variation in the quality of them. It's far beyond the scope of this post to discuss thoroughly all the different types of hairpieces, ways to bond them, and pros and cons of various options.

If you are interested in wigs, spend some time on the hair loss forums to learn more about your choices before you go buy anything. In the meantime, here is a brief introduction to the hair replacement world.

Hair extensions are small pieces of hair (synthetic or human) that are clipped, glued, twisted, sewn, or braided onto your own hair to augment its fullness. Hollywood stars often use hair extensions for big events to appear more glamorous. Extensions work very well for people with only minimal hair loss, who have very fine hair, or who have patchy loss like mild Alopecia Areata. However, they can cause traction alopecia, worsening the thinness you already have, and they are only a temporary solution.

Toppers are special partial wigs that help women with hair loss cover up the thinning spots. They usually come with hair clips or combs that clip into your own hair, or you can use special double-sided tape or adhesive to secure the Topper if you don't have enough hair to use clips. Since most women with PCOS have thinning hair at the top of their head but retain hair on the sides and bottom, many report that a topper can help them transition through hair loss stages. Here is one company's guide to measuring for and buying the right Topper for your needs. In addition, here are some videos of women putting on toppers.

Most full wigs come in two main types, wefted or knotted/net foundation.Wefts are rows of synthetic hair sewn onto a foundation. These wigs tend to be less expensive. Knotted or net foundations have human or synthetic hair hand-knotted onto a mesh foundation. These wigs are more labor-intensive and so are more expensive.

"Monofilament" is a term often seen when you shop for wigs. It means that the top of the wig is made of a fine lace material called a monofilament. Then hair fibers are knotted into this material so that the "hair" can be combed in different directions or parted. These wigs are more expensive.

Another term you might see when shopping for wigs is "lace-front." This simply means that a thin piece of lace goes over the hairline from ear to ear, with a hand-knotted hairline. It gives a more natural look to the hairline, like hair is really growing naturally there, instead of the more abrupt line of a traditional wig. If thinning on top is very significant, a lace-front wig is reputed to be very effective at simulating hairlines and looking natural.

An integration wig has holes in it that allow the person's own hair to be pulled through the cap and "integrated" into the wig. It blends your own hair with the wig's hair. Again, this is good at making the wig look more natural and helps hold it in place, but it means having long stringy thinning hair underneath, which some women don't like.

Another option is the bonded wig or topper. In this wig, the thinning top of your head is shaved and the wig is bonded to the sides of your own hair via braiding, sewing, or other methods. This generally yields very impressive results. On the other hand, it is extremely expensive, must be replaced often, and requires frequent maintenance.You can read more about this type of hair replacement system here.

If you have really extensive hair loss (as in Alopecia Areata or severe AGA), then a vacuum-cap wig may be needed. This is a wig that is made based on a mold of your head; it stays attached through creating a vacuum on your head. It reportedly is very secure and can even be worn swimming, but you must be willing to keep your head shaved for the vacuum to work. The disadvantage is that these can be very hot and sweat can become an issue. They can also be expensive because it is custom-made for your head.

Many women worry about how their wig will stay on. Most wigs and toppers are attached by combs to your existing hair. The combs snap into place once you have the wig on. You can adjust the wig to the size of your head through elastic and/or Velcro attachments in back.

However, if your hair loss is more extensive, there may not be enough hair on top to make a secure attachment with a comb. In this case, bonding via glue or double-sided tape is used to secure the wig. Many women also use a headband called a WiGrip or a Cushion Band.

Using a Topper or full wig doesn't mean you don't need hair styling. Women often report that the topper or wig looks too full or the color too uniform if worn exactly the way it comes when purchased. It looks much better if cut or styled to your preferences. Buying the right size for your head is also key. Be sure to measure carefully and buy accordingly.

One of questions women with hair loss seem to agonize about is when to start wearing supplemental hair (wigs). There is an excellent video here from a woman discussing her personal take on this question. The answer seems to be different for everyone, and some people find that they decide against using them at all.

There are lots of Youtube videos that show different wigs, how to put them on, how to style them, and the pros and cons of each. Some are aimed at chemo patients, but others are aimed at people with PCOS, lupus, or other medical conditions.

Cysterwigs on Youtube has lots of video reviews and instructional videos. There are also professional hair loss consultants who specialize in this field and can help you figure out what's best for you and your unique circumstances.

Of course, hair pieces can be expensive, especially the higher-quality ones. Prices vary hugely, depending on the quality of the wig. Cheap ones can be had for less than $100 but are reportedly not worth it. Good synthetic wigs start at about $100-150. High end human hair wigs can run over $5,000.

Most people assume they will want human hair wigs, but synthetic hair wigs are generally more affordable, flexible in use, while still of good quality. They require less upkeep (most are basically wash and wear) and are lighter in weight. However, most cannot be heat-styled, although there is a more expensive synthetic wig that is more heat-tolerant for styling.

On the other hand, some people strongly prefer human hair wigs. The hair can be heat-styled and there is nothing like the feel of real human hair. However, they are much more expensive and reportedly take a lot of daily upkeep. Quality will also depend on the source of the hair.

Try both synthetic and human hair wigs to see which you prefer. If you are on a budget, lean towards synthetic wigs, but never buy cheap wigs because they are frizzy, fragile, and don't last well. Cysterwigs recommends that if you're just starting out with wigs, start with open-cap, short-hair styles like "Allure" from Jon Reneau or "All That Jazz" from Raquel Welch. These run just over $100 and so are a reasonably affordable way to see if wigs suit you.

Most mid-level synthetic wigs last 1-3 months, sometimes longer if you are lucky. So when figuring out if you can afford the wig option, be sure to budget in how often you will be replacing your wigs and any costs of styling them. Don't forget to factor in collateral expenses as well. Wigs must be washed with special solutions and cared for with special brushes. They should be stored on wig stands or styrofoam heads. They have to be replaced fairly frequently. So going the wig route can become quite expensive if you are not careful. However, if finances are an issue, there are some sites that have donated wigs that they can pass on for very low cost or for free.

Keep in mind that buying a wig of any sort can be a very emotional moment for women with hair loss. It's an acknowledgement of the inevitability of the hair loss, a time of mourning for past days of easy hair choices. It's only natural to feel angry, frustrated, and sad that this choice has been forced on you. Go ahead and be mad or sad or whatever; it's part of the grieving process over hair loss. Just realize that dealing with a wig may intensify those feelings.

Be prepared for a wide variety of reactions to your wig from others. Some women report that their toppers and hairpieces are very realistic and no one knows they are wearing them. However, if your hair loss was pretty advanced before you bought a wig, people are likely to notice. Be prepared for questions and think up several options for how to answer. Some women choose to deflect questions, while others are honest that they are using hairpieces.

Your own reaction to the questions sets the tone; if you are defensive or embarrassed, that sets a different tone than if you are upbeat and positive. How you handle it is up to you, but women who have been through this report that it helps to have a plan and some rehearsed answers ahead of time. When in doubt, pretend total confidence. People take their cues on how to react from you and women report that when they presented a positive spin on wearing hair, the responses they got were much more supportive.

Hats and Scarves


Another option to cover up thinning hair is to utilize hats and scarves. Some people get very creative with cute hats or funky scarves.Sample companies that have a lot of cover-up choices include:
These companies have hats, caps, scarves, turbans, and wigs. Some even have hats with extra hair sewn in so you can wear a baseball cap or other hat and yet have plenty of "hair" showing without the heat of wearing a full wig and a hat.


If you are just looking for a really comfortable, basic head cap, try the caps from Chemo Essentials. Though they are ostensibly made for women going through chemo, that doesn't mean they couldn't be used for alopecia hair loss as well. Many companies sell for "medical hair loss," whether that is from alopecia, chemo, lupus, inflammatory bowel disease, or other causes. And of course, some women cover their hair for religious reasons too. So don't let the "chemo" emphasis of many sites scare you away.

These caps are sold as Sleep Caps to keep your head warm while sleeping, but could work just fine in other contexts as well. They typically are made of t-shirt jersey-style fabric and are reported to be super comfortable. This is an excellent option for people with very sensitive heads.

Beanies or slouch hats are closely related to head caps, but are a little more fashion-forward. They are slightly looser, especially in the back. Many women use slouch hats for wintertime coverage but there are lighter-weight version available from warmer weather.

Bamboo caps are the latest technology for more comfortable caps. They are made from bamboo fibers, which, like bamboo, tend to be able to wick moisture away. They have insulating properties, keeping you warmer in winter or cooler in summer. They are reportedly very soft and comfortable, perfect for women with very sensitive heads.

Turbans are another choice for covering up hair loss in a stylish way. Some turban styles are really old-fashioned and awful, complete with head knots or feathers or other old-fashioned nonsense, but there are also more updated choices that some women might find appealing.

Often these fancier turbans are decorated with fabric flowers, ruffles, or bling. This appeals to some women who feel that plain caps are too bland and unfeminine. On the other hand, some women like a more simple approach with minimal fussy details but just a touch of bling. Some turbans come in beautiful soft fabrics like velour for winter.

Some turbans are asymmetrical and look like they "tie" to the side, although they are usually pre-tied for you so they are easy to put on. The asymmetrical turbans can add a nice twist to the usual turban look. They vary in how soft they are.

Some turbans have a place for an extra "band" or scarf to tie around the turban for more visual texture and depth. Look for the "accessories" part of hair cover websites for things like these.

If you are skilled at knitting or crocheting, you can make your own caps very cheaply. There are any number of free or low-cost patterns available online.

Scarves are another common choice for covering up hair loss or keeping your head warm. Some women use square Turkish oya scarves and tie them into a head scarf, as in this video. Or you can use other types of scarves and tie them into head scarves too.


One company (www.4women.com) sells a longer, more upscale scarf for hair loss. These scarves are lined with soft material for comfort, come in different sizes, and can be styled in many different ways. They even have special scarves for swimming or for little girls. Some people like the longer length, some don't, but it's another option to be considered.

The nice thing about BeauBeau scarves is that they offer a really wide array of pretty fabrics, some with bling and some very plain. The fabric choices change all the time. They are more expensive than most other scarf choices but not horribly so, and they always maintain a sale page. (You can read more about how to tie BeauBeau scarves at http://ift.tt/2xwkO7N.)

One problem is that many hats and scarves made to cover up alopecia practically scream the fact that you have hair loss. Or they make people assume you have cancer and are losing your hair due to chemotherapy or radiation. As a result, some people prefer a non-traditional hat or scarf product.

One nice choice from the hiking world is Buff headgear (the original version, not the headband). This is a moisture-wicking, circular, woven, stretchy flexible tube scarf that can be worn a zillion different ways. It has no seams and so is particularly nice for sensitive heads. It goes on very fast and easy compared to a lot of other headgear choices.

Most people who wear Buff headgear don't have hair loss; it's great for dealing with sun, wind, or cold while hiking; as fashion; or just to cover up a bad hair day. Although these pictures don't show it, there are many cool fabric choices and patterns available. Because it doesn't look like the usual head covers, people are less likely to suspect hair loss.

Buffs can be just pulled on straight and left open, as above, or one end can be knotted and then the open side pulled on (as the man shows in the picture to the side). Or the open end can be tucked up into the back. Contrasting scarves, headbands, or other Buffs can be used as a second layer for warmth or more visual interest.

Here's one woman with hair loss describing how she wears her Buffs.



For those with hair loss, choosing a Buff scarf can just look like a funky fashion choice instead of a hair loss disguise or chemo cap cover-up. They are available in many colors and patterns from many vendors including Amazon. It's one of the simplest, most comfortable, and most secure scarves you could wear.

Some women find certain cover-up scarves and headgear very itchy. You have to gauge your own sensitivity and tolerance to fabrics. If you are extremely sensitive, you'll want to lean towards sleep caps, lined caps, caps made with cotton, jersey, bamboo, or other soft fabrics, or non-traditional headgear like Buffs. Or you can choose to wear a sleep cap/beanie underneath and then a turban, hat, or scarf on top of the soft cap.

Don't be afraid to experiment with different types and styles. You'll figure out what suits your needs best. Often headgear looks especially nice with a great pair of dangly earrings or some artfully applied make-up.

If you choose head coverings, you can either choose to use pieces that minimize attention to your head, or you can have fun and go wild! Your approach is up to you.

Coming Out of the Hair Loss Closet

Pam Fitros, author of Boldly Bald Women
Medications, masking creams, powders, scarves, hats, or wigs are just not for some women. They can be expensive, bothersome, hot, itchy, sweaty, or just too much hassle for some people.

At some point, many women with alopecia get tired of freaking out about their hair all the time. They decide to quit messing with it and just be honest with the world about their hair loss. In their view, it's just part of the disease of PCOS, and it's not like you have any control over it. Why be ashamed of it?

They ask ─ why should women be subjected to a double-standard about hair loss? When men go bald, most eventually just let the baldness show. Why should women "have" to cover their hair loss up?  If you had some other disease, would you feel compelled to hide how it affects you or would you expect people to understand that this is just the side effects of your condition, not something to be ashamed of?

Dealing with alopecia doesn't have to always be about covering up the loss. Some women don't. Remember, anyone who doesn't like looking at a woman with hair loss can just look away. Their bias is their problem.

Let's be clear ─ if you want to cover up the loss or you feel you need to because of your career or family, it's absolutely your right to do so without shame or embarrassment. No one will criticize you. But neither should you feel as if you have to cover it up.

If at some point, covering up feels like too much of a trap, be aware that some women are choosing to come out of the Hair Loss Closet and and be just as honest about it as men are allowed to be.

After years of covering up hair loss, eventually many women get sick of it and just stop. They place their own physical comfort as their priority. Or they start finding places where they can feel comfortable without covering up and they slowly start letting themselves be seen as they are. For some it's a gradual process, starting at home and with their families, and then progressing to other areas as they become more comfortable with themselves or more intoxicated with the freedom from disguise. Some combine Going Bare in some situations with cover-ups in other situations. Others go cold turkey and shave it all off suddenly to throw off the shackles of hair oppression and revel in their freedom.

You will find the path that is right for you in time.

Letting the Hair Loss Show

The first choice in coming out of the Hair Closet is to just let the hair loss show.

Women who espouse this view would tell you to cut off the comb-over, take off your hat or wig, get a cute short cut, and just let the thinning spots show. Some people might stare or make remarks, but many women report that people often just recognize that your hair is thinning and let it go after the first shock. This way, you're not trying to always cover it up or make it a big secret, and this helps other people move on emotionally instead of fixating on "Is she or isn't she?"

However, some people find it harder to accept majorly thinning hair on women. A small-to-medium amount of thinning is often reasonably accepted, but a very sparse head of hair may be not be. Therefore, when hair loss becomes more severe, some women decide to just shave their heads. People often find a totally bald head on a woman much easier to deal with than a head with extremely thin hair.

Shaving It Off


For some women, shaving their heads is a declaration of freedom from the worries of hair loss.

Although it may sound like a horrifying choice to women who are not ready for this, women who have chosen to shave often discuss how freeing this decision is. No more worrying about whether a bald spot is showing, no more worrying about whether a wig will come off, no more sweating in a hot hat or wig, no more expensive concealer products, no more trying to hide a dark secret from the world!

Here is a quote from one woman who posted at the Alopecia World forums about her decision to shave her head and Go Bare:
I shave my head so I can be free! Free from hiding, free from worrying if some one knows, free from worrying if some one sees, free from crying, free from being depressed, free from fear about my hair loss! 
Since I shaved, I am free to roll the car windows down, swim (something I haven't [done] in years, but do now) exercise, sleep without my head covered, look at my self in the mirror and like what I see, be unique, hold my bald head up high, walk with confidence in a hairy world, shower without worrying about clogging up the drain (and boy does the water feel good on my head!) and free to talk about alopecia with others!!
Even if you shave, to some extent the hair loss will still be visible because you don't lose hair equally all over the head. The areas around the edges of your hair loss will probably look darker than the areas that are thinning. This is why some people who shave also choose scalp pigmentation, to make the shaved hair look more even. On the other hand, those who have come out of the Hair Loss Closet and are choosing to be bald may not care at all. Frequent shaving can also minimize this problem.

Pam Fitros, who experienced the complete loss of hair on her head and body via Alopecia Areata, writes on the blog that accompanies her book, Boldly Bald Women:
I didn’t have control over the baldness, but I did have control over what I chose to do about it. So I stopped the wig. Cold turkey. And now I use hats to protect my head from cold weather, not to protect others from my bald head...the pain of my baldness decreases as I accept it and embrace the healing process.
For me, that healing process includes:
• Personal interactions with others to educate and desensitize
• Exposing and challenging the edicts of our hair addicted society to girls and women – there is    no shame involved, but there are billions of dollars at stake.
• Utilizing whatever writing talent and skills I have to create Boldly Bald Women, a book about    women who choose to face their baldness and their lives without hiding
• Joining with other bald women through Alopecia World (http://ift.tt/2zXqvNU) in mutual      support across national and international lines 
Pain is part of life. Fear is part of pain. Although we cannot control everything, we can choose to take control of what is controllable and make the best and bravest choices we are able to make at the time. 
As we do what we can, where we are, with what we have available, we gain strength and wisdom for another step and another step after that and another and another until what has struck us down no longer has us paralyzed with pain and fear and dread. 
There is no way out of pain except through it; but on the other side of pain is the healing of quiet confidence and the flowing joy of self acceptance.
Many women who decide to Go Bare find it is easier to take that step if they hang around others who have Gone Bare too. There is an organization called "Bald Girls Do Lunch" that organizes social gatherings for women dealing with baldness issues. Many find this inspirational and educational. According to their website, you are not required to go bald; you can go as you please. However, many there will choose to be bald and may be a sympathetic audience to your own first attempts. Information about this organization can be found at: http://ift.tt/1AQsrE0.

Other women discuss making the decision to shave their heads here, here, and here. And here are 2 links to videos about women with hair loss doing just that, shaving it all off for the first time. Below is one of the most touching. She starts by being photographed in various wigs, then has her head shaved. Several men have their heads shaved after her. Then they compare shots of her at the end and you can see that while she is pretty in the wigs, she is truly beautiful shaved.



Although most women prefer it once they try it, Going Bare doesn't have to all or nothing. Some women choose to use a combination approach. They shave their heads for ease of daily living, but have wigs and/or scarves etc. for back-up when they feel like using it, or when it's cold outside. Here is a video of a woman choosing to shave off her thinning hair but to also have a wig as back-up when she wants it.

Here are some photo galleries of women freely sharing pictures of themselves in wigs, scarves, bald, and everything in between. There are other websites, too, for women who decide to be Bald And Beautiful.
Support Groups


However you choose to deal with hair loss, there are support groups out there. Most are geared towards women with Alopecia Areata (the autoimmune type of hair loss). But if do a search on "Androgenic Alopecia" and "support groups" you can find several online groups now which include both Alopecia Areata and Androgenic Alopecia. Here are some to get you started:
Many of these groups have forums where you can anonymously vent about your frustration at having to deal with this issue, learn about hair loss treatments, ask embarrassing questions about concealers and wigs, or bond with other women who have decided to come out of the Hair Closet.

In addition, ask around or do some googling. There may be alopecia support groups in your local community or in a large urban area nearby. Anonymous online support is very important, but nothing beats in-person support for some things. Women who have been to one of these in-person groups say that it was instrumental in learning to deal proactively with alopecia and to increasing their comfort level with various treatment and cosmetic choices

Concluding Thoughts


Alopecia is one of the most emotionally distressing symptoms of PCOS for women, yet it is one of the least discussed. Partly this is because alopecia is much less common than hirsutism, irregular cycles, or cystic acne, but even so, it does still affect about one-third of women with PCOS. But because about two-thirds of people with PCOS do not experience hair loss and because hair loss in women is so stigmatized, those with AGA often feel embarrassed to bring it up or find a lack of empathy from their cysters. More awareness of hair loss issues is needed within the PCOS community.

Women with PCOS learn to deal with the other medical issues that come with PCOS, but in a world that measures a woman by her "feminine" appearance, medical authorities need to realize that losing scalp hair is incredibly traumatic. For some women with PCOS, alopecia is the worst part of having the condition. More research and treatment choices are urgently needed for PCOS-related hair loss.

Many women struggle silently with hair loss, not realizing that many others also struggle with it. In fact, one source estimates that 30 million women in the U.S. alone are dealing with hair loss issues, whether from PCOS, Alopecia Areata, lupus, Inflammatory Bowel Syndrome, cancer, or other problems. It's time for women's hair loss to stop being hidden away and stigmatized; it should be addressed openly and without shame, as it largely is for men. Gender double standards need to end!

Women with PCOS should know that there are options for treating hair loss, whether that is medically or cosmetically. If you have experienced PCOS-related hair loss, you are not alone.

While alopecia is an under-discussed topic even on the PCOS forums, there are support groups to help you navigate that hair loss journey. Be sure to seek out the many resources on these topics that are available online. If you don't find the resource that you need, create one!

Remember, there are many ways to deal with PCOS hair loss. Every woman chooses differently, and we all need to be supportive of each others' choices. Remember also that accepting hair loss is usually a journey with many way stations along the way. How you prefer to handle it now may be different from how you choose to handle it in the future. Be bold, be flexible, be open to the many options available. The right path for you will come.

Above all, make peace with how you look. Know that your worth has nothing to do with your outside look, but everything to do with your inner self. Projecting self-confidence (even when you don't always feel it!) and being a strong advocate for yourself are your most powerful actions in dealing with the challenges of PCOS.


References

General Information on Alopecia
Blogs or Articles About Dealing with Hair Loss
Hair Loss Product Websites

*Many websites carry hair loss-oriented products; here are just a few.  However, remember "Let the Buyer Beware" on all of these sites, as hair loss products are very big business. There are many scams and poor products so exercise caution in trying out new products, especially if they promise a cure or seem too good to be true. They probably are. 
  • http://ift.tt/2zXAin2 - written by a woman with PCOS and hair loss; info on concealers, toppers, and wigs; shop here
  • http://ift.tt/2xv8lBp - online mail order source for various thinning hair products, Toppik, and Claudia Stevens powder. Also has Sally's Beauty Supply retail stores in many communities where these products can be found
  • http://ift.tt/1tYQLwo - online source for various hair regrowth products, concealers, vitamins, and other treatments
  • www.cysterwigs.com - online store for wigs, toppers, etc. Run by woman with PCOS hair loss
  • www.jonreneau.com - wigs, toppers, and scarves/hats/etc.
  • www.follea.com - wigs, toppers, etc.
  • Many concealing products can be bought over the counter at places like Walmart or pharmacies, and online at places like Amazon 
Hats, Scarves, and Other Cover-Up Products


via The Well-Rounded Mama http://ift.tt/2zXL10y

Google, Cupcakes, and Terrible Ideas

facepalmSomeone at Google thought it would be a swell idea to launch a new feature into iPhone users’ Google Maps so that if someone asked for directions to a place that was “not far away” (by Google’s definition), they would get not just the directions they asked for, but also the number of calories they would burn (by Google’s estimation) if they walked instead.

Then, as the icing on the cake (sorry, couldn’t help myself), they decided to translate calories into… wait for it …mini-cupcakes.

There are many, many ways in which this is terrible. First of all, it’s ableist AF. Any time we suggest that “encouraging people to walk” is a good thing, while ignoring that there are plenty of people with disabilities (visible and invisible) and health issues that mean that walking may not be a good choice or may be impossible, we engage in ableism. Not just because we create a situation that explicitly leaves people out, but because we perpetuate a society that conflates performance of “health” as a measure of goodness or worthiness, but we’ll get back to that in a minute.

For those who have a predisposition to, are suffering with, or recovering from, eating disorders, this can be completely triggering. Not just calorie counting, which is bad enough, but specifically the idea of having to “earn” food through activity is a significant eating disorder red flag.

Then, of course, there’s the fact that this is total bullshit. Bodies are complicated; estimating the number of calories an individual uses to walk a mile is difficult at best. Trying to come up with a single figure that will work for everyone is impossible. Google claims “the average person burns 90 calories by walking one mile” with no information about where they got that figure. I assume that they just found a calorie chart and took the average since this calculation involves, at the very least, weight, and pace and, depending on which chart you look at, can differ by more than 90 calories based on these variables.

You would think Google would care that they are giving people completely erroneous data; they’re Google for god’s sake!

Finally, there’s the old “nobody asked you!” issue. People asked Google Maps for directions, and instead, they got information about calories and cupcakes. To make matters worse, there was no way to turn the “extra” info off and just get the direction they were looking for in the first place!

So, as is nearly always the case when we introduce diet concepts into the greater culture, we do harm with basically no benefit. Luckily, the pushback was swift and sharp:

Read the rest of this story here!

Like this blog?  Here’s more cool stuff:

Become a Member! For ten bucks a month you can support fat activism and get deals from size positive businesses as a thank you.  Click here for details

NEW!!! Wellness for All Bodies Program: A simple, step-by-step, super efficient guide to setting and reaching your health goals from a weight neutral perspective.  This program can be used by individuals, or by groups, including as a workplace wellness program!

Over the course of eighteen self-paced, content-packed, quick videos you’ll get the tools you need to create healthy relationships with food, movement, and your body, and you’ll map out a path to health that makes sense for you, in an easily digestible format. Built-in tools allow you to track your progress and keep notes individually or as a group.
Click here for all the details and to register!

Book and Dance Class Sale!  I’m on a journey to complete an IRONMAN triathlon, and I’m having a sale on all my books, DVDs, and digital downloads to help pay for it. You get books and dance classes, I get spandex clothes and bike parts. Everybody wins! If you want, you can check it out here!

Book Me!  I’d love to speak to your organization. You can get more information here or just e-mail me at ragen at danceswithfat dot org!

If you are uncomfortable with my selling things on this site, you are invited to check out this post.

 



via Dances With Fat http://ift.tt/2xvz1lF

Friday, 27 October 2017

Ask and Receive

There is a culture out there, a mindset, that whatever you put out into the Universe, the Universe will send you. If that were true, I'd have a million dollars, a giant property with plenty of gardens, a career I love, and world peace. But that being said, learning to ask for what you need in your life is essential. This took me a long time to learn. 

A week after my last post I was fired from the new job I'd started. Two weeks after that I was hired on at a place in the mall selling jewelry. So that's what I do now; back to shift work with retail instead of steady days and weekends off with administrative things. I took a leap off of my pillar into the swamp and here I am, swimming with crocodiles again. It's Samhain season, the last harvest and the trees are weeping leaves over the dying God and frozen rain saturates the empty fields. The angle of the sun brings dark mornings and dark evenings and it's dark everywhere, everywhere but inside me. 

Though I leapt into the swamp and I swim with ancient dread, I AM swimming. Not drowning, not being eaten, not treading water. Two things are helping keep me focused and moving forward; the first is asking Ryan and the kids for help and being gentle and understanding of myself when I *need* help. When I was working in the office I discovered quickly that, when the kids were home, I hated it. I would work 8-5, including bus times, come home, do the dinner and dishes and bedtime and bath time and all of that, every day. On weekends I was still doing it all, even making lunch for everyone, and me last. It was always me last. Even sex became a chore. The kids were gone most of the summer to the Soo so when they came back, ontop of the stress of a new job (and possibly moving!), there was a lot happening. 

I had a day somewhere in there that I just mentally couldn't do anything at all; I snapped at everyone for everything. I couldn't stand being around the kids; no play time, no lunch time, not anything. Ryan leapt onto my last nerve and broke it with a comment about, of all the damn things, laundry. We've been having an ongoing argument about laundry for 13 years at this point and I was Not. Having. It. I wasn't having anything. At one point I knocked over Kat and I's Jenga tower, said "I'm not playing anymore" and went outside to dig in the gardens because I just couldn't be near them anymore. Looking back now I'm ashamed at my behaviour. 

Finally I said "I'm having a bad day and everyone needs to leave me alone. It's not you, it's me." And they did. I didn't have to cook dinner by myself. I didn't have to tidy up the livingroom alone. Bath time and bed time went smoothly.

Why did it take me 11 years to figure out that I don't have to do everything by myself? That if I just ASK for help, if I admit I'm having a bad day, or week, I don't have to plow through, keep calm and carry on? That kind of thinking nearly killed me when Gabe was an infant. It isolates me from my family today. Enough is enough. 

Ryan cooks more and tidies more and enlists the kids to help, which they do with varying degrees of enthusiasm. It's wonderful to come home a couple of times a week to a home cooked meal and not take-out, or have to scramble around an hour before bed time and try and make something myself. I have to practise what I preach as a feminist so if I want an equally shared home, I need to make one through asking for it. When your family is just used to you doing everything, they stop seeing what needs to be done because hey, it's already done. To them, there isn't anything to do. That stopped this summer and I haven't looked back. 

The second thing I have keeping me swimming amongst the crocs here in the swamp is having a goal; despite my MOUNTAINS of student debt I've decided to go back to school for the 4 year midwifery course. I have 0 funding at this point but I do have a sort-of plan that doesn't involve robbing a bank or winning the lottery. More as that develops. If you want to help with that goal, or just my life in general (being off for 2 weeks and having to wait 2 weeks more for my 1st paycheque really put a dent in our budget), there's a paypal button under the pic of me on the page. You never know; some kind, random stranger may read this and decide to help me out in a big way! If I don't ask, I'll never know how often I could hear 'yes'.



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Dressing Up As “Fat” for Halloween?

 

I saw this costume today:

It’s advertised as “Men’s Inflatable Ballerina Adult Costume”

The description reads: “Twirl about in the silly Men’s Inflatable Ballerina Adult Costume. The adult costume is perfect for Halloween trick or treating or fall parties.”

Let’s start with the name of the costume. It pisses me off A LOT that they don’t even have the decency to be honest about what they are doing.  Ballerinas wear clothes that fit them, not inflatable suits that make it difficult to move. This is a fat suit with a half-assed ballerina theme.

Now looking to the description, what exactly do they think makes the costume “silly?” Bodies come in lots of sizes for lots of reasons and none of those bodies are “silly.” There are amazing fat ballerinas and there is nothing “silly” about them. Not to mention “perfect for …fall parties” What the hell kind of parties are these people attending?  It’s just shitty fatphobia.

It’s enough of a problem when people wear fat suits to see what it’s like to be fat instead of, you know, listening to and believing fat people about their experiences. But this isn’t that. This is literally putting on someone else’s body – a body that, as it exists in the world, is subject to a tremendous amount of shame, stigma, bullying, and oppression. Costumes like this add to that shame, stigma, bullying, and oppression by perpetuating the idea that there is something about being fat that should be laughed at. Then, having used their body as a tool for fatphobia, the wearer removes the costume and returns to their  life of thin privilege.

This is bullshit. Don’t do it. Let’s dismantle fatphobia, not dress ourselves in it.

Like this blog?  Here’s more cool stuff:

Become a Member! For ten bucks a month you can support fat activism and get deals from size positive businesses as a thank you.  Click here for details

NEW!!! Wellness for All Bodies Program: A simple, step-by-step, super efficient guide to setting and reaching your health goals from a weight neutral perspective.  This program can be used by individuals, or by groups, including as a workplace wellness program!

Over the course of eighteen self-paced, content-packed, quick videos you’ll get the tools you need to create healthy relationships with food, movement, and your body, and you’ll map out a path to health that makes sense for you, in an easily digestible format. Built-in tools allow you to track your progress and keep notes individually or as a group.
Click here for all the details and to register!

Book and Dance Class Sale!  I’m on a journey to complete an IRONMAN triathlon, and I’m having a sale on all my books, DVDs, and digital downloads to help pay for it. You get books and dance classes, I get spandex clothes and bike parts. Everybody wins! If you want, you can check it out here!

Book Me!  I’d love to speak to your organization. You can get more information here or just e-mail me at ragen at danceswithfat dot org!

If you are uncomfortable with my selling things on this site, you are invited to check out this post.

 



via Dances With Fat http://ift.tt/2iEmeuC