As I grow and age and learn to appreciate things better, I still find myself fighting things that are innate or natural and just…UGH! It’s so ridiculous! I’m feeling strangely blue today for truly no reason at all. I’m just tired I suppose and very much starved for affection. And that’s the thing, I try really fucking hard to pretend I’m a hard ass bitch who doesn’t need such things when, A) I know better and B) you can be a hard ass bitch and need snuggles, it’s science and science is beautiful! Ha-ha!
True facts though, my single by choice life means that I go weeks without a hug, months without a kiss, years since another human has truly held me in a loving way. Having those facts sort of hit me all at once when I was wondering why I was feeling down today, and yeah, that would be a big fucking reason. So why self shame or hide?! I can’t really say for certain, but somehow I got it in my head that it makes me weak somehow. It does not. I need to get over this shit. (“
How to get enough physical affection if you’re single” pay wall, but cute as hell comics in a cheeky tone.)
I have been dating more lately and enjoying that for the most part. I have had more affection in a general sort of way but it seems not in the ways I need to feel fulfilled. So what’s this Bitter-Betty to do?! I guess just accept that this is also part of my nature and communicate my needs to those who may support or assist in my fulfillment. Wow! So mature! Ha-ha!
I must also note here that growing up with very early sexual trauma and further abuse and sexual trauma throughout my most developmental years has certainly made these things all the more difficult. Not just difficult to live with, but to navigate social situations, dating, all of it. Sometimes my PTSD-C will scream “Hell no! No one is going to touch me! NOPE Not okay!!!” even when that feels like the one thing I need most of all. I’m realizing now how much this affected my marriage back when. Ugh. Like I recall aching and longing for my husband to just hold me and see me but could never in a million years actually say those things. Learn from my life, lovelies, lessons abound!
As an introvert as well, I don’t like being around a lot of people, or noisy people/places, nor do I like being around a stranger. It’s a confusing thing to date because of this. Even if I like someone on the surface, far too many have proven that my trust issues are well earned and keep me fucking safe! At the same time I try to stay open and to push myself out of my comfort zone and all of that, and yet? Here the hell I am! Ha!
I suppose those with close families could ask for a cuddle, but that isn’t the case for me. Nowhere near it. I do have my precious puggo that I wouldn’t trade for all the money or Tom Hardys or anything else in the world! But he’s not a big snuggler, he’s more of a snuggle up against you type o’ guy. This shit is complicated! Ha-ha!
Now I am a big proponent of self love and self care and all of that good stuff. And I am very pro masturbation as a form of those things, and I believe I even excel at them…but I still have this internal ache for that deeper connection with another human being. I guess there really is no substitution for that. In every other aspect of my life I think I’m in a good place. And hey, I’ve been single by choice for over 2.5 years now so if this is the first of this inner longing, so fucking be it! Ha-ha!
Have you struggled with these feelings, too? How have you helped yourself feel better? Do you have a self soothing thing you do? What am I missing out on here? What other things are on your mind or weighing upon your heart?
(Really liked this sentence I ended my last post with, it’s sticking to me and I love that!)
I’m here for realness and sincerity, honesty and vulnerability, I’m here for the good and juicy bits of life that shine for me when I know I’m heading in the right direction.
Rad Fatty Love to ALL,
<3
S
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