Picking up on behavioral patterns is a classic symptom of PTSD-C/Trauma/Abuse survivors. We do this in order to survive. If you’re in a domestic abuse situation, as I was, picking up on things early, even subtle changes, meant less violence directed at me later. 24 years after I escaped that horrific experience (5 years in a near-hostage-type situation), it has taken on a different meaning for me lately. It can be a blessing, for sure, but right now it feels so much less so.
The last couple of years have felt like we’re all stuck on repeat. Some of you will remember the distinct sound of when a vinyl record gets stuck in a groove…THAT! UGH! I hate this feeling, and it isn’t going away. It almost feels worse the more time I spend either online or at work. What I mean by that is that those two instances is where I feel and see it the strongest and the most. It just seems like people behave in the most predictable ways in those settings. To the extent that it feels scripted.
Actually, my dating life has often felt scripted, too. Every message, every date, with two exceptions as far as predictability. A friend pressed me on this subject last year and even argued it isn’t possible. I offered to show them on every app, every message I’d ever received and I think it gave them pause. They dropped the subject. Ha-ha! It is true more often than not. It’s as though we think we have to say and do these things. Say this for that result. Do this for that result. Maybe in dating that is more true, but I still fucking hate it. I want independent thinkers in my life, thank you.
At work it’s well work, right? What am I expecting?! Well, I have worked in a lot of places in a variety of industries. They’re all different, but they all have similarities. Office environments being what they are, you get the same lines all day working at the front desk. “How’s it going?” “It’s going!” “Living the dream!” “Mondays, am I right?!” “How was your weekend?” “When’s lunch?” “Is it 5 yet?” (do not get me started on the candy dish talk…ugh!) which is all fine and good, it’s the other stuff in between that feels so fake and rote.
After every mass shooting, the groove deepens, because that needle is never getting out of it. The internet goes back to square one. Every post, every meme, every group, every blog, everything is all the same, ad nauseam! I’m sick of it! Why do we keep pretending to be surprised or shocked or appalled or sad at all? You cannot have enough thoughts and prayers for every victim and every victim’s family…you just can’t! It doesn’t help, and it almost feels like it makes thin`gs worse for ourselves with this approach. We feel the hurt get heavier with each new headline. We carry it with us. Rinse. Repeat.
Why do we keep doing the exact same things over and over again and expecting things to magically change?!?! If I can stop fucking dieting and all of the absolute madness that goes along with it, I know we can do better as a species overall. We have so much more power than we realize. They groom us from birth to obey and fall in line, but we don’t fucking have to! Change doesn’t happen through complicity! Change comes from arming yourself with knowledge and doing the same for others, then uniting and rising up to demand change.
All of this is to say that I have this unique skill, to spot behavioral patterns, but it’s not like I get to wield it in any sort of fun way. And right now it’s making me fucking sick! To see post after post and every human interaction feel like I’m stuck in a fucking simulator?! UGH! It literally turns my stomach. No thank you! Gimme my “tasty wheats” and let me get back to fucking things up for the capitalists! Ha-ha!
And now for the part most won’t agree with (if you live in the USA that is):
If we’re sick of the killing, turn in the weapons. That’s it. If everyone did it, wouldn’t it be a lot easier for police to get the “bad guys”? (Yes, this completely ignores the fact that ACAB, the police are more often than not white supremacists themselves and participating in this shit on-duty and off.) There is no law that you must own a weapon. No requirement to own a gun! You can be pro gun, you can enjoy using guns, doesn’t mean you must own one.
Be the change and all that! Make a grand fucking gesture out of it if you must, but just do it. Put your words into action, and let that action be an example to others! Push your representatives to make changes in the laws themselves. They represent you and right now they are only offering thoughts and fucking prayers over this shit as they go right back to being funded by a lot of the same people causing these issues to begin with.
We must be fierce in the face of racist aggression and white supremacists. We must stand up for the marginalized and oppressed. We must fight fascism every chance we get! We cannot give them a chance, an inch, or a moment! We must act now! We know what happens when we don’t, because we’re living it right fucking now! Because every problem you see in this world, right now, can be traced back to greedy white supremacist men, they just haven’t worn the hoods in awhile. We outnumber them and they should be very fucking afraid of the moment we realize this and actually do something about it.
Thanks for reading. I really don’t care what anyone thinks at this point. I just needed to get this shit off my chest.
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