Not wanting to dump this emotional load on anyone specifically, I figure this is as good a place as any for my current feels. My Monday really started at 10 pm last night when the caterer for work emailed to brag about his brisket being in the smoker for 8 hours already. FUCK! I had double booked our lunch order at work. Had they not emailed I really would have been boned, and not in the good way! So I frantically emailed the other vendor to cancel and all should work out fine, but it was a shitty feeling to go to sleep with. I was already feeling a lot of things, most of which were very heavy, partially due to PMS (maybe, who knows) and partially due to a new relationship I’ve found myself jumping into two weeks ago, but I digress. Starting off my week with a big fat expensive fucking mistake super mega sucks. I pride myself on my reputation of getting shit done and keeping it organized too. Ha-ha!
I get to work and the lunch stuff seems to have been sorted out, only time will tell really. And then I get an email from 23 and Me that a dna relative has sent me a direct message. I rarely log in or even look at such messages, but something felt different and so I did. And it was from a cousin I haven’t seen since they were a child, asking if I was in contact with my bio mom. “No, not in over twenty-five years. Same with her family. My sister is friends with her on FB, so she’s on there for sure.” Well it seems her parents health is failing and they wanted to reach out to her. They said, “Thanks, I’ll let my mom know.” Must be nice. It hurts. To be thought of but only in relation to someone who didn’t want to be a relation to me and my siblings. UGH!
Fuck this has brought up a lot of shit I was not prepared to even think about for awhile. Like, I honestly figured her parents had already passed. But when bio mom left my dad, her entire family never reached out to us again. It was a big family too but they never fully accepted her, so it makes sense that they would reject what she already had rejected (us), I guess. I don’t want to think about them or her at all. I had always wondered about my cousins, but we’re all adults, if anyone gave a flying fuck they could have reached out. No one did. Fuck ’em all!
It’s true, I’m in a new relationship. We met on Bumble, exactly 7 days before I was supposed to give up dating entirely. Our first date was 8 hours long, had an absolute blast, and we deleted the app halfway though. We talked, we drank, we laughed, we danced, and ended up making out in the street at 2 am in Oakland. It was fabulous! The next night was too. By Tuesday of that same week we were exclusive and official. And now either it’s PMS or C-PTSD brain, but a lot of my alarms are going off and I’m full of doubt and wondering what the fucking point is with this shit anyway.
Someone who I was close to at work is visiting today with their new baby. We were close until they were about 7 months pregnant, and they’ve said maybe 4 words to me since. I don’t need this shit! Two close friends are having surgery this week, one of my bffs had a biopsy last week but won’t have any results back until tomorrow. So now I’m mad and confused and tender hearted and wishing I could go back to bed. My puggo is all I want right now!
All of this and I’m also going to Seattle this Friday, just for the weekend, but I’m having conflicting feelings about that too. I booked the trip because there was a flash sale and a friend moved up there last year. I thought it would be fun to catch up and visit, see a couple of sights, nothing big. Everything is all booked. I’m just hoping I can get excited about it when it’s time to go. Otherwise it all just feels like more stress.
Having to be “on” at work is sucking my will to live at the moment, but I’ll get through. Always do. I didn’t even leave the house yesterday, though I had big ambitions to do so (big being a Trader Joe’s visit but anxiety won that battle). I spent my entire weekend cleaning and then not being able to move at all (anxiety). My person came over Saturday night but it started off on the wrong foot when they just showed up when they had said that they’d text me their eta. So I was dressed and semi-made up, but still cleaning and doing laundry with an apron on and my hair in buns (my equivalent of curlers in a way).
Then they wanted to watch American Football. On my television! They knew I hated it, we’d previously discussed it. Even in the moment they asked about my feelings and we got into the socio/political/economic impact of American Football and they agreed with me, but then still watched the game. And did that thing where they ask if you want them to turn it off but you know they won’t be happy if you say yes. Then they had the nerve to ask if I was enjoying the game, and pointed out that I was also watching it. “Well it is hard to look away, it’s a lot of aggressive imagery!” was my response. Technically I only have one rule in my house, no Morrissey/Smiths, but this may prove a necessary addition. Also, what the fuck did I clean and make myself up for if they weren’t even gonna look at or comment on any of it anyway?!
So here I am. Wondering why I bother to do anything for anyone when I feel like shit every time. Why jump into a monogamous relationship when it is starting to feel like merely a creature comfort and not something deeper?! What is the point when I’m still home alone feeling like human garbage all day every damned Sunday?! People promise you things, they tell you they are consistent, they say they are great communicators, they say they want to get to know you, that they are ready and able to share their feelings, but in reality it always feels so one sided. It’s so much easier on my own! I don’t have to explain myself. I don’t have to want anything or wait for it. I can just be. (FWIW this has way more to do with more important things like my boundaries being pushed and less to do with my dislike of sports.)
This may be a lot of self destructive bullshit, it may be PMS fucking with me, it could be my C-PTSD brain red flagging everything the moment it started to feel good…all plausible and likely, but also it could be my gut telling me that this person isn’t going to prioritize me and I know it so why put myself on a shelf for their convenience? Why do I even believe that was a fucking possibility anymore?! I think I’m just trying to beat myself up at this point. Like a mistake at work means I deserve to just blow up everything else with a fucking match, too! I know time will remedy all of this but I am done waiting to be treated how I know I should. I am done waiting for actions to match words. I will see how this plays out, but I’m not fucking settling. I will have the difficult conversation when appropriate.
I do feel good about being able to help a friend by sending them self care stuffs they needed. They had starting a new job after almost a year on medical leave. Those first days on your feet are brutal and I know that shit all too well. So being able to send them a care package felt really fucking good! And seeing how it has helped them felt really good, too. Another bff just got a new job after being away from full time work for over a year. I could not be happier for them! I am really trying to see the good in things today, so hard! But try as I might, people are assholes and I’m struggling to deal with them at the moment. I just wanna scream and fucking cry!
Also, this is my boss’ last week at the company and it is breaking my fucking heart. He was like one of my all time favorite bosses ever! We have such a great working relationship. We’re about to start a new office project for Denver and I cannot believe I won’t have him with me on this. Not that I can’t handle it, I’m very capable and know better, but damn, the weight of it feels so much heavier. I’ve had so many terrible managers and so much past work trauma, this is all bubbling up to the surface. I know, this too shall pass. **DeepBreaths**
Maybe I’m just depressed. Meh.
***
I’m here for realness and sincerity, honesty and vulnerability, I’m here for the good and juicy bits of life that shine for me when I know I’m heading in the right direction.
Rad Fatty Love to ALL,
<3
S
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