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The Beginning and The End

I’m okay. Friends keep checking on me, but I really am okay. I’m mostly just processing and trying to figure some shit out, ya know? Losing my babyman so suddenly really flipped my world upside down. Next thing you know I’m going on a couple of dates with someone, on the second they asked to be exclusive, I was into it. It felt nice to be noticed and admired. It was fantastic to meet someone who wanted to participate in lengthy conversation without aim. The third date was my birthday and I was a bit nervous. Seems a tall order to plan an entire day for someone who doesn’t know you very well and on their birthday?! Yikes! I don’t think I would have been so bold. In the end, it was a truly fantastic day! A whirlwind, I dare say!

They picked me up at 11 am and we headed to breakfast at a cute little cafe. Then to a private karaoke room in this games/activities type place where they gave me a card that exclaimed their love followed by serenading me with an original birthday song just for me! We both sang songs but it was obvious they were trying to impress while I was simply trying to go with the flow and enjoy the ride. Next we played a couple rounds of billiards, but it was too hot to comfortably play while wearing face masks. So we ditched and while he offered to take me axe throwing, I was too worried about injuring myself and so mini golf was the compromise. It was a blast, too! There was hardly anyone there so we got to take our time and just be silly about the whole thing. Then we had Thai food at this little hole in the wall nearby, it was delicious! 

When the dessert shop they had planned on taking me to was closed early, it seemed their plans had sort of fizzled out. I very much did not want the day to end so I invited them back to my place. We had been flirting all day and they were so thoughtful and sweet and I wanted to be more intimate with them. So back to my place we went, I had panic-cleaned the night before so I wasn’t too stressed about my usual mess. We sat and talked and laughed and made out and it was all super fun. When I asked if they wanted to move to the bedroom, their enthusiasm was exactly what was called for. Ha-ha! And it was all super great, like truly, a wonderful time was had by all. 

Things got a little weird shortly after that though. Like, they never expressly asked or were invited to spend the night. They already had a bag packed in their car for the occasion. I poked fun, but I was a little put off by it. They said they didn’t have work the next day but their schedule changed a lot so I didn’t think much of it. Even with all of the activities and excitement of the day, I couldn’t sleep! I hadn’t had someone in my bed at all, let alone to spend the night, in years! I just rolled with it. The next day we made out tons more and had a lot more sex. Super fun! Then I took them to my favorite hidden gem in the bay area, near where I grew up, The Pulgas Water Temple. It was a gorgeous day as we ate our sandwiches in the shade of an old tree. A couple was getting their wedding photos taken there with their dogs, it was super cute. We headed back to my place, without a plan. And next thing you know, that third date lasted three days.

It’s nuts! We kept saying so, too, the entire time. But emotions were high, certainly getting laid helped with that and it was all such a lovely distraction. But after three days and two nights with no sleep, this introvert needed some alone time. They were super cool about it, but then got too stoned to leave at a reasonable hour, which left me very cranky. They came back the next morning and I was starting to feel that while I liked this person a lot, they probably weren’t as good a match for me as I originally thought. I felt more critical of them suddenly and I didn’t like that feeling within myself at all. I told them we couldn’t do back to back overnights anymore, I needed to sleep and my restless leg syndrome was out of control as a result. They said they understood, wanted to respect my boundaries, all seemed well. 

There were no more plans or adventures. It was just us sitting on my couch in my apartment talking or watching netflix, random makeouts, and seemingly rote sex after that. The excitement of the partnership had passed for me. They were still very much feeling it but the next day I had it and exclaimed, “No more over nights ever!” I needed sleep, I needed alone time, I needed to do my fucking nails and couldn’t when they were there. Within a week’s time I went from not being able to keep my hands off of them to not even wanting to see them. It was odd. But then, they took the entire week off of work without even mentioning it to me once.

The next week we went back to work and reality hit me kind of hard. Things at work have actually been really great so that wasn’t the issue at all. I am still very much grieving and hard! That week was a nice distraction, but I wasn’t feeling anything but sadness. I found being home alone each night to be a greater joy and comfort than I could have expected. When they came over the following Saturday, I was all dolled up and looking drop dead sexy! I was feeling myself and was hoping they would be feeling me too. Ha! Only when we kissed hello I felt absolutely nothing. They didn’t comment on my outfit or how hot or gorgeous I looked…at all! I didn’t think about that part until the next day and then it was just like whatever. They brought over food they had cooked at home but I didn’t have as much of an appetite as they did. When we kissed for a bit they could tell something was different with me and I did my best to explain but I think they took it more as I wasn’t in the mood for sex and not that I was actually not feeling the partnership any longer. 

As this past week has progressed, they reached out but I explained that my period was wrecking me and I was simply in too much pain and exhausted to do anything. We haven’t talked or text at all in more than a couple of days now. I feel a little bad about it, but I haven’t misled them in any way. I caught up with a couple of friends this week and had some realizations. First, the people who know you best actually do know what is good for you and serving you and what is not. My nearest and dearest were like, “They are not the one!” and “This sounds very familiar, remember when…” and suddenly it hit me. This was all a repeated pattern that I had literally taken a year plus off dating to recover and reset and get away from. 

The more I chatted with my beloveds, the more I realized how I get caught up in other people’s feelings. How easy it is to get swept up when someone is doing and saying “all the right things at exactly the right time (but they mean nothing to you and you don’t know why”) and showering you with affection when you’ve been starved for any attention and affection for so long. UGH! I couldn’t see this for myself until my friends were like, “Uhh…this isn’t right.” I needed that reality check and I am so grateful to have them in my life. I know it’s not easy to tell someone that they are not on their right path. It helped me realize that I need to end this. I cannot properly grieve, heal, and grow if I am distracted and not even fully invested in a situationship. I cannot fully participate in a relationship in the way that I would normally want or need to when I am still so deep in my grief. I am not my usual fantastic self and thus have no business trying to be in a relationship with anyone for awhile. 

Ending things is not easy nor fun to do. I always want to be kind. The other party doesn’t always allow you to be kind in those moments though. I think they will understand, but another pattern I worry about repeating is them bargaining for a compromise that will serve neither of us in the end and only postpone the inevitable severance. No, I can’t do that again. So, they are coming over tomorrow morning and I will have this talk with them. They have been so compassionate and respectful and I think they will absolutely understand, but I know that they are a sensitive and gentle soul and this will be hard to hear for them. I anguish over these things, even though I know it’s the right thing to do.

I definitely need to take a big ole step back and rethink what it is I want out of dating before I dip my toe back into those icy waters again. I’m not even sure that I want to be monogamous anymore. I’m not sure that a traditional style partnership is for me. I may need to sleep alone forever and that is fine. I need my sleep, dammit! But having someone in my personal space, my fortress of solitude if you will, was just too much too soon and while I don’t have any regrets, it’s just not a good fit for me. 

Have you gotten caught up in something that wasn’t right for you? Have you had to end something that was moving too quickly? Do you get swept up in other people’s feelings? I know I do! I just gotta figure out how to stop! Ha-ha!

***

I’m here for realness and sincerity, honesty and vulnerability, I’m here for the good and juicy bits of life that shine for me when I know I’m heading in the right direction.

Rad Fatty Love to ALL,
<3
S

Check out the Fat AF podcast on your favorite podcast app for all things fat sex with me and my BFF, Michaela! (We only recorded a few episodes but they were good!)

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And as always, please feel free to drop me a line in comments here or write me an email, I love hearing from readers. (Tell me your troubles, I don’t judge.) notblueatall@notblueatall.com

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I don’t care about gas prices

The more the news mentions gas prices, the more I realize I’m weird because I don’t. Why?

I used to commute about 15 miles a day to the office. My minivan is modified with a ramp and space for my mobility scooter, but it’s also a plug-in hybrid. On a full charge I get 33 miles (if the trip isn’t all uphill and I use HVAC sparingly). Once I’ve drained that battery, it’s still a hybrid minivan, so I still get 40mpg. In mild weather I could go straight to work and back all-electric.

You know how long a tank of gas can last when you don’t use the gas engine? Months.

Meanwhile the man of the house as an EV. Zero gas. Zero fumes. We have a level 2 charger installed in our garage, using a 220 outlet we had installed. The EV was being charged twice a week because of commuting. Now in the work from home times, it’s rarer. My minivan, having a much smaller battery, gets plugged in after each trip.

Now, of course, I’m often just spending my days at home. Not quite the usual retirement dream, but neither was the global pandemic. Going out as a family the question is usually “Do I need my scooter”? If so, we use the minivan, if not, the EV. I do restaurants with my cane; IKEA trips or Sounders games, though, I want my scooter.

Are you still mostly at home for the pandemic, or back to commuting? How’s that working?

Bonus picture of a Sounders Scarf. Major League Soccer (Football to the rest of the world) has scarves. It’s a Football thing.

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Non-Stigmatizing Language For Fat People

Image Text:When it comes to what we call people with larger bodies,
we must avoid falling into the trap of creating stigma in our attempts to decrease it. We must utilize descriptors that don’t medicalize, pathologize, or euphemize the body size of
fat people.

I get a lot of questions about the right words to use for fat people in various contexts. Questions like:

Can I call people fat?
Isn’t “ob*se” better since it’s a medical term?
I thought we were supposed to say “person with overw*ight?”
What’s with all the asterisks?

Over on my Weight and Healthcare newsletter I’m breaking down some common terms that are used to describe those with larger bodies to discuss what increases stigma, and what decreases it.

You can read the full piece here!

UPCOMING ONLINE WORKSHOP:

Dealing With Fatphobia At The Holidays

Between in-person and online family gatherings, work parties, New Years bashes, New Years Resolution, and a ton of diet ads… the holiday season can be a perfect storm of fatphobia. Plus this year all the talk of COVID-related body changes adds another layer of nonsense All that diet culture can really get you down. In this workshop we’ll talk about tips, tricks, and techniques to help us deal and have a happy holiday season on our own terms – whether we celebrate any holidays or not.

Full details and Registration: https://danceswithfat.org/monthly-online-workshops/
*This workshop is free for DancesWithFat members – login info is on the member page
Become a member here!

Missed one of my monthly workshops? You can still get the video here!

Like This Blog? If you appreciate the work that I do, you can support my ability to do more of it with a one-time tip or by becoming a member. (Members get special deals on fat-positive stuff, a monthly e-mail keeping them up to date on the work their membership supports, and the ability to ask me questions that I answer in a members-only monthly Q&A Video!)

Book Me!  I’d love to speak to your organization (and I can do it remotely!) I speak to healthcare, college, corporate, and general audiences about topics including weight science, weight stigma, and the Health at Every Size paradigm. You can get more information here or just e-mail me at ragen at danceswithfat dot org

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Don’t Bring “Everybody Knows” to an Evidence Fight

Last week I was a guest on The Doctors along with weight-neutral endocrinologist Dr. Gregory Dodell. During the second half of the show, I was involved in a discussion with Dr. Melina Jampolis about the research supporting the weight loss paradigm, vs the research supporting the weight neutral health paradigm.

At one point during the course of the conversation I had listed several studies and their findings to support my case that the research shows that intentional weight loss fails the vast majority of the time (which Dr. Jampolis agreed with,) as well as studies that show greater efficacy of weight-neutral healthcare approaches than weight-loss approaches. (You can see a list of research at www.haeshealthsheets.com/resources)

In response Dr. Jampolis said “I’m sure that I could find 15 different studies that would counteract what you said.” Now, she didn’t name any studies at all but she sounded very confident. I wanted to interrupt but I didn’t want to appear rude, so I simply shook my head. I don’t believe that Dr. Jampolis wants to harm fat people, but I believe that she is, and this kind of misunderstanding is at the root of it.

There are many things that I could have done differently and/or better during my appearance (a post about that is probably coming up!) But the thing I regret the most is not interrupting her at this moment and saying what I wanted to say.

You can read the full piece on my new newsletter Weight and Healthcare on Substack!

UPCOMING ONLINE WORKSHOP:

Dealing With Fatphobia At The Holidays

Between in-person and online family gatherings, work parties, New Years bashes, New Years Resolution, and a ton of diet ads… the holiday season can be a perfect storm of fatphobia. Plus this year all the talk of COVID-related body changes adds another layer of nonsense All that diet culture can really get you down. In this workshop we’ll talk about tips, tricks, and techniques to help us deal and have a happy holiday season on our own terms – whether we celebrate any holidays or not.

Full details and Registration: https://danceswithfat.org/monthly-online-workshops/
*This workshop is free for DancesWithFat members – login info is on the member page
Become a member here!

Missed one of my monthly workshops? You can still get the video here!

Like This Blog? If you appreciate the work that I do, you can support my ability to do more of it with a one-time tip or by becoming a member. (Members get special deals on fat-positive stuff, a monthly e-mail keeping them up to date on the work their membership supports, and the ability to ask me questions that I answer in a members-only monthly Q&A Video!)

Book Me!  I’d love to speak to your organization (and I can do it remotely!) I speak to healthcare, college, corporate, and general audiences about topics including weight science, weight stigma, and the Health at Every Size paradigm. You can get more information here or just e-mail me at ragen at danceswithfat dot org

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