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Friday 24 December 2021

Options To Answer The Question: “Do You Need To Eat That”

“Do you need to eat that?” Has this question ever been asked in a way that wasn’t passive aggressive fat/food shaming? As we eat with our families and/or friends (perhaps over zoom) this holiday season, I wanted to give some options for responding to this utterly bullshit question, put together in a not-so-silent movie.

(Hint: After watching the video below, you can keep watching to see a truly fat-positive holiday sing-a-long. If you can’t watch the video below, you can find it here!)

UPCOMING ONLINE WORKSHOP:

Creating A Weight-Neutral, Body Affirming Health Journey

The weight loss industry works hard to conflate weight loss with the concept of health, so even when we realize that diets don’t work and we get off the diet roller coaster, it can be difficult to separate our diet culture past from our desire to support our body moving forward. Health is an amorphous, multifactorial concept and it’s not an obligation, barometer of worthiness, or entirely within our control. Understanding that, in this workshop we’ll discuss how we can come to our personal health journey entirely on our own terms and leave diet culture behind for good.

Full details and Registration: https://danceswithfat.org/monthly-online-workshops/
*This workshop is free for DancesWithFat members – login info is on the member page
Become a member here!

Missed one of my monthly workshops? You can still get the video here!

Workshop: Dealing With New Year’s Diet BS

I am honored to join Marcy of Plus Bus, Marina of Peridot Robes, Deb Malkin – Somatic Pain Coach, and Tigress Osborn, Chair of NAAFA.org and iOfTheTigress.com to speak at this event created by Chrystal Bougon for “educating us and most likely sometimes entertaining us at my FAT COMMUNITY Watch Party on January 8th.”It’s just $5 and you can join live or get the video the next day. Like Chrystal says, “Let’s ACTIVATE and lift each other up through this hideous DIET b.s. that comes at us every January.”I hope to see you there!

Register here: https://fatcommunity.square.site/

Like This Blog? If you appreciate the work that I do, you can support my ability to do more of it with a one-time tip or by becoming a member. (Members get special deals on fat-positive stuff, a monthly e-mail keeping them up to date on the work their membership supports, and the ability to ask me questions that I answer in a members-only monthly Q&A Video!)

Book Me!  I’d love to speak to your organization (and I can do it remotely!) I speak to healthcare, college, corporate, and general audiences about topics including weight science, weight stigma, and the Health at Every Size paradigm. You can get more information here or just e-mail me at ragen at danceswithfat dot org



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Thursday 23 December 2021

Avoid Ruining the Holidays for Fat Friends and Family This Year- A How-To Guide

I spend a lot of time helping fat people deal with the bullshit fat-shaming that comes our way daily, and that often escalates at the holidays (whether we celebrate them or not.)  I always want to be clear that these things are not our fault, even though they become our problem and that the problem isn’t fat people, it’s fat-shaming. So today I wanted to take a second to talk directly to fat-shamers of the on-purpose, accidental, and potential variety – however well-meaning they may be – about how they can stop the problem before it even starts at the holidays, and all year long! The lack of in-person gatherings may cut down on this nonsense, but I’ve already heard from people who are experiencing this at zoom events.

Of course the people who need to read this may not be the ones who are likely to see my blog so please feel free to share this around if you are so inclined!

Don’t give a weight loss or “health” gift

Don’t give a gym membership, diet club membership, “healthy meal” delivery etc. unless the person has very specifically asked for it. Including and especially if you’re only assuming that they don’t already do or have these things because of your stereotypes about fat people, or as a passive-aggressive hint that you think they may “need” the gift. Instead, if you want to give a gift, consider choosing something based on the person’s actual likes and interests rather than stereotypes and fat-shaming. Or maybe a nice gift certificate.

Don’t be the food police

Don’t monitor, comment on, or concern yourself in any way with fat people’s (or any sized people’s) food choices at parties, holiday dinners or, hey, ever.  If we need the food police, we’ll call Pie-1-1. If you feel like you might have to deal with the Family and Friends Food Police, here are some tips.  If you want some ideas to help when you witness this kind of food shaming, check here.

Don’t give a fat-shaming card

Way too many fat people get cards with some version of  “We love you and we want you to lose weight because we want you to be around a long time.” If you honestly can’t figure out why “Happy Holidays! Please don’t die of fat because mourning you would be a major bummer for us” isn’t an appropriate message for a holiday card, then please just take my word for it this is a bad idea. And also, consider that giving cards may not be for you. The person to whom you deliver this little Hallmark moment may be able to defend themselves in court successfully with “Your Honor, they needed a killin”

This happened to my partner a few years ago and she chose to cut ties with the relatives completely, about which it seems they are upset. Bad behavior can have undesired consequences for everyone, don’t put your fat friends and family in this position.

Don’t engage in diet talk or negative body talk

This suggestion isn’t just to help fat guests, but also for guests of any size who may be dealing with eating disorders, or guests who are interested in conversations that aren’t boring as hell. Find something else to talk about than why you are or are not eating what you are or are not eating.  Skip the 5-minute soliloquy on what you feel you have to do to punish yourself for eating pie, and ask somebody at the party to tell you about themselves instead, or go watch TV, or play on your phone, whatever.

Don’t comment on body size changes

Nothing says “Happy Holidays” like knowing that your relatives are monitoring your body. You might think it’s a compliment to ask if someone has lost weight but that question is super loaded – perhaps they’ve lost weight because of illness, grief, medication, an eating disorder, or something else unwanted or unintentional. Perhaps they are uncomfortable with having their body size made into a topic for discussion (maybe because it’s hella inappropriate…) Perhaps they haven’t lost weight and, however well-intentioned you may be, they take it as backhanded or passive-aggressive. (Or perhaps you intended it to be backhanded or passive-aggressive in which case you’re being an ass,  won’t you please be a dear, and knock that shit off.)  If you want some suggestions for wading through the tricky world of weight loss compliments (like what to do when someone tells you’ve they’ve lost weight and then looks at you expectantly), you’ll find that here.

Don’t stage some kind of weight loss intervention

This should be a big pile of obvious in an obvious box with an obvious bow, but every year some asshat who wants to be thought of as “brave” writes an article about how the holidays are the perfect time to fat shame your relatives “for their own good.” First of all, people’s weight and health (two different things) aren’t your business unless they ask you to make them your business. Even if you don’t believe that, the holidays are definitely not the time to do this.  And if you feel that you have to do this at the holidays because it’s the only time you see that person, then consider how relevant you really are in their lives and whether you have any business doing this at all.  Then don’t. Just don’t. Don’t. Do Not. Trust me when I tell you, you are not The Fat Person Whisperer.

By the way, if you want a cartoon that explains that people shouldn’t do these things (in song!) I made one and you can find it here!

UPCOMING ONLINE WORKSHOP:

Creating A Weight-Neutral, Body Affirming Health Journey

The weight loss industry works hard to conflate weight loss with the concept of health, so even when we realize that diets don’t work and we get off the diet roller coaster, it can be difficult to separate our diet culture past from our desire to support our body moving forward. Health is an amorphous, multifactorial concept and it’s not an obligation, barometer of worthiness, or entirely within our control. Understanding that, in this workshop we’ll discuss how we can come to our personal health journey entirely on our own terms and leave diet culture behind for good.

Full details and Registration: https://danceswithfat.org/monthly-online-workshops/
*This workshop is free for DancesWithFat members – login info is on the member page
Become a member here!

Missed one of my monthly workshops? You can still get the video here!

Workshop: Dealing With New Year’s Diet BS

I am honored to join Marcy of Plus Bus, Marina of Peridot Robes, Deb Malkin – Somatic Pain Coach, and Tigress Osborn, Chair of NAAFA.org and iOfTheTigress.com to speak at this event created by Chrystal Bougon for “educating us and most likely sometimes entertaining us at my FAT COMMUNITY Watch Party on January 8th.”It’s just $5 and you can join live or get the video the next day. Like Chrystal says, “Let’s ACTIVATE and lift each other up through this hideous DIET b.s. that comes at us every January.”I hope to see you there!

Register here: https://fatcommunity.square.site/

Like This Blog? If you appreciate the work that I do, you can support my ability to do more of it with a one-time tip or by becoming a member. (Members get special deals on fat-positive stuff, a monthly e-mail keeping them up to date on the work their membership supports, and the ability to ask me questions that I answer in a members-only monthly Q&A Video!)

Book Me!  I’d love to speak to your organization (and I can do it remotely!) I speak to healthcare, college, corporate, and general audiences about topics including weight science, weight stigma, and the Health at Every Size paradigm. You can get more information here or just e-mail me at ragen at danceswithfat dot org



via Dances With Fat https://ift.tt/3sx3eA4

Tuesday 14 December 2021

Lucky Thirteen!

It’s been thirteen years since I started this blog. A lot has changed with me and the world. I’m still fat, still wordy as fuck, and still rolling right along. There are times when I feel there’s nothing more to be said, in general, but also about living in a fat body. I know that isn’t true, but it’s a feeling I get sometimes. At the ripe and juicy age of forty-four, I no longer have a lot of the insecurities I used to carry with me. I have worked hard over the many years to heal from my trauma and abuse, to be more present, to be mindful of others and my own impact on them, and really to just live the life I have always wanted to. I am no longer at odds with my body. I love my body, it’s fucking awesome, and we’ve been through so much and we’re not done yet!


I recall vividly the person I was then. I wish I could hold her now and tell her it will all work out for the best. She was frightened of so much, but also of being herself. I didn’t know how to dress my fat body. I had loved fashion from an early age but also dressed more as a tomboy than not for the first half of my life so far. I remember the great discomfort I felt within my body every single day and how no matter what size I bought no clothing ever felt comfortable. Options were far more limited then, certainly. I also didn’t allow myself to even consider more femme forward looks, though I did dabble occasionally. I mean one does not possess the bountiful bosom that I do and not see its potential. Ha-ha! 


Now I see myself as my truest form, the most authentic and least fearful I have ever been. My style has changed greatly. I don’t even wear pants anymore. I don’t rely on tights or teggings to cover my legs in shame. No, I let those babies out and let the world worry about it. Ha! I still don’t feel great about my legs, but I no longer let it hold me back or affect my comfort. I have a better understanding of what styles and forms look best on my body. I do still wear my Doc Martens with dresses but that is just who I am as a person. I do not allow diet talk in my presence no matter the setting, yes even at work. 


I have had to sever or let go of some folks and relationships over the years. The ones that matter are still around. The rest I wish no harm. My boundaries are both stronger and healthier than ever. I’m pretty pleased with that. I’m in a great place in my career and feel more a part of a team than ever before. If I look back even a few years I can see very clearly how far I’ve come. That’s not to brag, it was hard won and alway and still a struggle. But stability is something I’ve never had and it feels like it’s where I’m at right now, even if I refuse to admit it. Even when haters want to throw stones, they bounce right off because I know the work and the good I put out into the world and need no outside validation. 


While my on-the-street type of activism days may be over, I am still informed and involved in ways that I feel I can be helpful. Mostly that means supporting financially, signal boosting, and other forms of virtual involvement. I miss my local fat community terribly. I miss the dance shows and other fun events. I know they’ll come back eventually, but I know we’ve also lost folks in the community over the last two years. Many more have moved out of the area or even the state due to how unaffordable and inaccessible housing is in the SF bay area. While I am happy where I live, I don’t have any local lady friends at all. My nearest and dearest moved away a few years ago. 


And some have asked about my love life and I’m here to tell you that love is not what I’m interested in at the moment at all. I’m still in mourning, it hits me like a semi truck out of nowhere and I’m a wreck all over again. I’m not able to nor wanting to give love to anyone in a romantic sort of way. I’m not even sure I can accept it from others at this point. That isn’t to say I’m not dating, I definitely am, but with a very different end goal in sight. It certainly takes the pressure off! Ha-ha! And it’s given me some practice on socializing again after soooooo very long of none at all. I’m in a transitional period and doing my best to be patient with that and myself.


If you’ve read this blog for any amount of time I’m certain you know that I am not one for New Year’s resolutions. I don’t even think I have it in me to do any sort of goal setting at the moment. I have this big project for work using all of my wits and creativity and I’m glad for it, it’s my favorite, but it is an immense amount of pressure on a very tight timeline. I mostly come home exhausted and depleted. I no longer have my lil’ puggo to keep me warm or company. That is still the hardest fucking thing! Just coming home and every single time I walk in the door and it’s like, “Oh. It’s just me now.” It’s still devastating.


I have a lot of hope for the near future though! I have my dark and broody days for sure, and I’ll be the first to call myself a grinch, but I am once again excited about seeing people! I know, I’m surprised too! Ha-ha! Mostly my besties and other locals that I haven’t been able to see during the worst of the pandemic. I’m not yet ready for dance clubs or comedy shows, though I miss them. My besties got me a new couch for my birthday, they just brought it over this past weekend and I am in love! It’s emerald green velvet, mid century style, but with a modern twist of folding flat so as to become a futon of sorts. I may now have too much furniture in my living room, but now I can have four friends over at once without having to grab kitchen chairs! Ha!


Lastly, and honestly, I have really been feeling myself. And how often can anyone say that?! Like in a deep down, damn I’m not just a badass but a whole stunning and gorgeous human too, kind of way! I wish I could share this feeling and give it to others. It is powerful! It is freeing! And it is all mine. No one can take it! I know I’m not indestructible, but truly knowing yourself and your own capabilities does give you a sense of not giving a fuck combined with a whole lot of gratitude, always. Yes I am still struggling with my grief but that’s not going away any time soon and life isn’t going to live itself in a fulfilling way without some efforts on my part. So I’m here for it! 


Cheers to you, cheers to me, cheers to this blog and to lucky thirteen!

***

I’m here for realness and sincerity, honesty and vulnerability, I’m here for the good and juicy bits of life that shine for me when I know I’m heading in the right direction.

Rad Fatty Love to ALL,
<3
S

Check out the Fat AF podcast on your favorite podcast app for all things fat sex with me and my BFF, Michaela! (We only recorded a few episodes but they were good!)

Donate to this blog here: https://ift.tt/2zKvPnQ currently donations will be given directly to Black women in need through my network.

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And as always, please feel free to drop me a line in comments here or write me an email, I love hearing from readers. (Tell me your troubles, I don’t judge.) notblueatall@notblueatall.com



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