It’s been thirteen years since I started this blog. A lot has changed with me and the world. I’m still fat, still wordy as fuck, and still rolling right along. There are times when I feel there’s nothing more to be said, in general, but also about living in a fat body. I know that isn’t true, but it’s a feeling I get sometimes. At the ripe and juicy age of forty-four, I no longer have a lot of the insecurities I used to carry with me. I have worked hard over the many years to heal from my trauma and abuse, to be more present, to be mindful of others and my own impact on them, and really to just live the life I have always wanted to. I am no longer at odds with my body. I love my body, it’s fucking awesome, and we’ve been through so much and we’re not done yet!
I recall vividly the person I was then. I wish I could hold her now and tell her it will all work out for the best. She was frightened of so much, but also of being herself. I didn’t know how to dress my fat body. I had loved fashion from an early age but also dressed more as a tomboy than not for the first half of my life so far. I remember the great discomfort I felt within my body every single day and how no matter what size I bought no clothing ever felt comfortable. Options were far more limited then, certainly. I also didn’t allow myself to even consider more femme forward looks, though I did dabble occasionally. I mean one does not possess the bountiful bosom that I do and not see its potential. Ha-ha!
Now I see myself as my truest form, the most authentic and least fearful I have ever been. My style has changed greatly. I don’t even wear pants anymore. I don’t rely on tights or teggings to cover my legs in shame. No, I let those babies out and let the world worry about it. Ha! I still don’t feel great about my legs, but I no longer let it hold me back or affect my comfort. I have a better understanding of what styles and forms look best on my body. I do still wear my Doc Martens with dresses but that is just who I am as a person. I do not allow diet talk in my presence no matter the setting, yes even at work.
I have had to sever or let go of some folks and relationships over the years. The ones that matter are still around. The rest I wish no harm. My boundaries are both stronger and healthier than ever. I’m pretty pleased with that. I’m in a great place in my career and feel more a part of a team than ever before. If I look back even a few years I can see very clearly how far I’ve come. That’s not to brag, it was hard won and alway and still a struggle. But stability is something I’ve never had and it feels like it’s where I’m at right now, even if I refuse to admit it. Even when haters want to throw stones, they bounce right off because I know the work and the good I put out into the world and need no outside validation.
While my on-the-street type of activism days may be over, I am still informed and involved in ways that I feel I can be helpful. Mostly that means supporting financially, signal boosting, and other forms of virtual involvement. I miss my local fat community terribly. I miss the dance shows and other fun events. I know they’ll come back eventually, but I know we’ve also lost folks in the community over the last two years. Many more have moved out of the area or even the state due to how unaffordable and inaccessible housing is in the SF bay area. While I am happy where I live, I don’t have any local lady friends at all. My nearest and dearest moved away a few years ago.
And some have asked about my love life and I’m here to tell you that love is not what I’m interested in at the moment at all. I’m still in mourning, it hits me like a semi truck out of nowhere and I’m a wreck all over again. I’m not able to nor wanting to give love to anyone in a romantic sort of way. I’m not even sure I can accept it from others at this point. That isn’t to say I’m not dating, I definitely am, but with a very different end goal in sight. It certainly takes the pressure off! Ha-ha! And it’s given me some practice on socializing again after soooooo very long of none at all. I’m in a transitional period and doing my best to be patient with that and myself.
If you’ve read this blog for any amount of time I’m certain you know that I am not one for New Year’s resolutions. I don’t even think I have it in me to do any sort of goal setting at the moment. I have this big project for work using all of my wits and creativity and I’m glad for it, it’s my favorite, but it is an immense amount of pressure on a very tight timeline. I mostly come home exhausted and depleted. I no longer have my lil’ puggo to keep me warm or company. That is still the hardest fucking thing! Just coming home and every single time I walk in the door and it’s like, “Oh. It’s just me now.” It’s still devastating.
I have a lot of hope for the near future though! I have my dark and broody days for sure, and I’ll be the first to call myself a grinch, but I am once again excited about seeing people! I know, I’m surprised too! Ha-ha! Mostly my besties and other locals that I haven’t been able to see during the worst of the pandemic. I’m not yet ready for dance clubs or comedy shows, though I miss them. My besties got me a new couch for my birthday, they just brought it over this past weekend and I am in love! It’s emerald green velvet, mid century style, but with a modern twist of folding flat so as to become a futon of sorts. I may now have too much furniture in my living room, but now I can have four friends over at once without having to grab kitchen chairs! Ha!
Lastly, and honestly, I have really been feeling myself. And how often can anyone say that?! Like in a deep down, damn I’m not just a badass but a whole stunning and gorgeous human too, kind of way! I wish I could share this feeling and give it to others. It is powerful! It is freeing! And it is all mine. No one can take it! I know I’m not indestructible, but truly knowing yourself and your own capabilities does give you a sense of not giving a fuck combined with a whole lot of gratitude, always. Yes I am still struggling with my grief but that’s not going away any time soon and life isn’t going to live itself in a fulfilling way without some efforts on my part. So I’m here for it!
Cheers to you, cheers to me, cheers to this blog and to lucky thirteen!
I’m here for realness and sincerity, honesty and vulnerability, I’m here for the good and juicy bits of life that shine for me when I know I’m heading in the right direction.
Rad Fatty Love to ALL,
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