Close To The Chest

My horoscope today had one main takeaway:  Give yourself the permission to express your needs, wants and desires. 

I was telling a colleague about when my roommate’s dog had passed away and how the outpouring of love and gifts and support and affection she received from her coworkers and friends and family was such a shock to me. I had never seen people show up like that for pet loss. My roommate was someone who very much wore her heart on her sleeve, though, so I wondered if that might be why. Thinking back though, I have suffered many great losses, not least of which being my own puggo’s sudden passing. When I think back to those who offered support, showed up for me, or even sent a card of condolence? Two people instantly come to mind (I’m certain you know who you are, too). Outside of them? No one. I even had a friend recently invite me out, “We can walk our pups together!” they gleefully suggested. They had forgotten about my loss entirely. I can’t blame them, we’re not that close of friends to be honest, but it was a bit surprising, too.

I remember attending a funeral of someone I admired and shared community with and hearing these incredible stories from those close to her. I also noticed how so many who knew her never truly felt that they really knew her at all, that there was always this air of mystery. It really struck a chord with me because I realized how that could very easily be said of me. I have a very small friend group and do keep myself to myself pretty much. Yeah I used to share a lot more of myself online here and elsewhere, but that isn’t the same as knowing a person. I wonder what people say about me to others when I’m not around. Not in a way that I feel judged, but I am genuinely curious what impression folks hold of me and if I also am someone people don’t feel they can truly know or get close to.  I’ve heard that I am intimidating, which always confuses me, but I’m actually pretty darn friendly.

I do feel as though I know myself better than most people ever get the chance to know themselves. That’s trauma, baby! Oh yeah! Because it was never my intention. Had you asked me a few years ago I likely would have felt very differently but maybe not so close to the truth as I am now. I was more naive, certainly. I often feel like an overcomplicated mathematical equation no one wants to take the time to figure out. I get it! I didn’t always wanna figure myself out either. Haha! Spend a little time, though and it’s gonna be a good one, that I do know. I refuse to be one of those people who view their trauma as a gift, I have worked too hard to heal from it to even begin to play around in that nonsensical toybox. My traumas have given me many skills. Hard won or learned for survival, hardly a gift, though some skills have benefited me over the years and even into my latest career. Being served a piping hot plate of extreme violence everyday of your teenage life for five years is never gonna be a gift, no matter how you wanna slice it. Fuck that!   

My feelings were never considered or nurtured growing up. I would often disappear into very close friendships because at least it felt like someone cared about me. I had a bestie from K-6th grade, we were practically joined at the hip. I probably spent as much time at her house as my own. My wants and tastes and desires were the same as hers because I kind of put her on a pedestal. I always felt pale and ugly beside her but that was okay because she was my bestie and I could just be her sidekick. She had blond hair and blue eyes, and that straight shiny hair everyone uses flat irons for nowadays, but it was the 80’s so crimping was all the rage. Ha! She introduced me to music and fashion before anyone else. She had two parents with jobs and a younger brother. They seemed like an all American working class family. That seemed aspirational to me even at 6 years old. 

If I asked too many questions at home or shed tears I would get popped in the mouth. Simple as that. So I learned not to show or share my feelings. I learned to stop asking for anything at all. Even for things I needed like shoes or stuff for school or even to get permission slips signed, I would just make up something to tell the teacher instead. It was easier than trying to get my mom to pry her face out of a book or my dad to read a piece of paper or listen to me explain the need to get it signed. I knew my family was poor when I was 5 years old, and I had to learn in kindergarten that what other kids saw as normal I would never have or become. 

As I work through reparenting techniques in my healing journey, it has been eye opening to say the least that hearing a compassionate style of parenting in very simple terms on instagram brought me to my knees and sobbing loudly. Hearing this mom talk to her toddler having big confusing feelings just acknowledge and be present for him? I was in shock! It’s not that I didn’t know this existed, I helped raise my siblings and nannied for a few years. I would never yell at or hit a child ever; I could never! So it wasnt that I didn’t know, but hearing and seeing it in action was so impactful for me. If you don’t already follow Korean Dad online, seek him out! His content is what got me started on the reparenting thing because it was the first to show me what I was missing in my life all along, that presence and compassion. 

So I worked my way up to this ripe middle age of 45 years old and I wonder who and what gives me the support and comfort and compassion in my life. It was always exterior until I had no one else to look towards for those things. My puggo was my greatest source of love, joy, silliness, and comfort. Now it’s just me. I get to be gentle and tender with myself and compassionate when long term illness has turned my world upside down. Standing here alone, metaphorically speaking, I wonder how to create the relationships I want and need that will push me to do and be better while feeling supported. I really struggle to meet anyone who shares any of my basic values, so how can I ask for or expect more than even just that?! By keeping to myself for so long I was able to survive but that has meant keeping the world at arm’s length, for the most part. 

I miss the feeling of spending time with someone and feeling energized by it. It is so incredibly hard for me to feel safe anywhere with anyone, and that is not even getting into my actual trust issues. As I dig deeper in my healing and further my understanding of myself, I see all too clearly how others lie to themselves and each other and it creates a real barrier for me to even want to start something because it feels like an impossible hurdle. Lying is a huge sticking point for me. It is one thing to lie in order to survive, no judgement there ever. But if lying is just part of your daily life? I’m out, I can’t be around people like that. They are choosing to waste their one precious life lying. That is not something I want to expend energy on at all. The only good thing about adulthood is that I don’t have to do that shit if I don’t want to, so I refuse. It makes interpersonal relationships harder, though. 

The thing I am currently working through is so simple it is almost embarrassing. Simply put, I am a human, I have needs. I know this intellectually, but feeling connected to my needs is a very different thing and I find that I often ignore or refuse to acknowledge my own needs and desires. I will smile and stand painfully in place as my “batteries” run out completely, leaving myself painfully limping for the rest of the day and sometimes even the next, to prioritize or appear “normal” to others and this alone is fucking me up on the regular. I do better when I can keep moving, but things come up and there isn’t always an opportunity for me to sit down or keep walking.  That is just the first one that comes to mind, but it happens often and is the most painful. I understand others don’t know my needs unless I vocalize them. I also struggle with trying to fulfill a need of my own but end up having to explain so much to someone who doesn’t know, or is questioning for whatever reason, that I expend more energy by doing so. It feels impossible, but everything does lately.

I have these strong inner protests with myself. Ha-ha! It feels a bit like arguing with a toddler at times. From trying to coax myself to eat, to going to bed, or especially anything to do with mail or bills, I just wanna fight it all so much. I’m doing well with it all though, compared to even a month ago. Having long covid kinda feels like I’m constantly having to recalibrate my energy or focus all of the time. My memory and overall brain fog has vastly improved over the last few months, and I am sooooo relieved for that! However, the core of my symptoms remains mostly the same. Although I did forget to refill my pill organizer one day and didn’t realize I had suddenly stopped all of my supplements a week later. Oops! Fortunately, I have not noticed any negative side effects since stopping. In fact, I think my digestion may be improving, but I’m a little scared to call it in fear of jinxing it. Ha-ha! I had been on a prebiotic/probiotic since a few months after my gallbladder removal surgery. Maybe I don’t need it anymore?

Feeling better now just means I am having a better time at home alone. Ha! I am still not really going anywhere but work and the occasional park or grocery trip. I am forever grateful and in awe of the boss and team I have at work. I love my office and most of the people I work with are awesome. My commute is short and I recently got back into podcasts to help alleviate the stress of driving in traffic. The “Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend” podcast has had me laughing instead of cursing at dangerous drivers. I recommend it! I also adore”99% Invisible”, which gives deep dives in short form on a range of interesting topics. I do feel like I am listening to the same music all of the time though. I would love to hear something new that just kicks my head in, so leave me your recs if you got ’em. 

So I gotta figure out a way to open myself up to others while also honoring and staying connected to my own needs. Not in a huge rush since no one is acting right about covid protections these days, but who knows?! Maybe some fabulous leftist is out there seeking me as well, in their well fitted mask. That is the main issue though, most covid smart folks are staying the hell home. Ha-ha! There’s even covidmeetups.com but it was not designed in an intuitive way and so you end up just getting rerouted to FB groups instead (which I’m already in). Oh well. 

Are you dealing with these types of things, too? Have you found ways to work through old patterns and make new ones? Have you had success reparenting yourself? I would love to hear all about it! I had such wonderful progress and breakthroughs last year using psilocybin, but no longer have access. I want to be creative again and make art but haven’t had a spark of inspiration in awhile. I am planning a lil road trip soon so at least I have that to look forward to.

***

I’m here for realness and sincerity, honesty and vulnerability, I’m here for the good and juicy bits of life that shine for me when I know I’m heading in the right direction.

Rad Fatty Love to ALL,
<3
S

Donate to this blog here: https://ift.tt/GKxOH0P currently donations will be given directly to Black women in need through my network.

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And as always, please feel free to drop me a line in comments here or write me an email, I love hearing from readers. (Tell me your troubles, I don’t judge.) notblueatall@notblueatall.com

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There’s No Going Back!

Picture it: It was 2019 and I was finally in a job I liked and felt as though I was starting to finally build and live the life I’d always wanted. For my birthday that year I decided to start crossing things off my bucket list. First among them was a seahorse preserve in Hawaii, on the Big Island. I did a lot on that trip and learned so much about myself and the native people of Hawaii. It is because of that trip, and my love and respect for that island and its people, that I don’t think I’ll ever be able to return. Just 6 weeks later I was flying off to Seattle for a weekend, to visit a friend, and to just enjoy Seattle in general. I sat in cafes and ate in cute bistros, relishing in new and interesting settings, visiting old ones too. I felt so liberated and mature and as though I had control of my own destiny. I thoroughly enjoyed my little excursions, and had planned to do so many more, but just two months later everything in the world changed.

The world as we knew it in 2019 is gone. I think we must all take a moment to reflect on that. There is no going back and living in the past will not help any of us survive the harsh future at our doorstep. The world we live in now is similar to the dystopian nightmare scenarios long written about in fiction for the last hundred or so years. To better understand where we are now, we should be looking to the post pandemic era of the 1900’s and the eugenics and anti semitism that followed. We are in exactly the same place it feels like. Having better science and technology did us no favors it seems in fighting another airborne virus that continues to kill millions. Public health crises such as these lay bare all of the inequities of the world. While many middle and upper class folks were simply told to work from home, the rest lost their jobs entirely, or were forced to continue to work with little to no protections or support under the guise of “essential workers”. 

What we are seeing now is the backlash of folks who were never truly impacted by the virus in that they didn’t lose their own health (or refuse to admit it) or loved ones, maintained their careers or livelihoods, and now any visual reminder of what they saw as a huge inconvenience (staying home for a few months) sends them into an apoplectic rage. They scream, “The pandemic’s over!” and, “You don’t need a mask!” and seem all together overly focused on what other people are doing to protect themselves and their loved ones as some sort of affront to their insistence that “It’s over!” Many conscientious maskers have been violently attacked, some permanently injured. We have billionaires making treasonous choices whilst benefiting from our tax breaks and insisting they are for “100% free speech” while simultaneously spreading anti semitism and transphobia globally. There is a very us versus them mentality at play here, and it is entirely intentional. If they realized that we all share the air we breathe and that very air is contaminated with a level 3 airborne pathogen, they would have to consider the life and livelihoods of their fellow humans. They refuse to expand their minds to include the wants or needs of others, even insisting upon harming others to maintain their delusions. 

In the USA, during the pandemic that began in March of 2020, we now have less rights and less of a democracy in general. We have less healthcare, pay more for it, and are more likely to get sick and die attempting to seek that healthcare. Wages, for those who can find jobs, have been stagnant since the 70’s while housing and rents have gone up 160%+ in just the last 20 years. More money is in less hands and people are being pushed into impossible situations in order to survive. The media has chosen a dangerous path since 2015ish and it has only gotten worse since, all bought and paid for by those same few that control so much money and power over all of us. Yet these same people in powerful positions will tell us, the common folk, that “the pandemic is over, vax and relax, go back to living your lives, and everything is a-okay!” We can no longer see these people as leaders; they have led us closer to our own extinction. They are not living in the same reality that we are. Behind closed doors, most are being very careful and protecting themselves and their loved ones very strictly from the virus, while remaining quiet about it yet insisting it isn’t an issue…for the rest of us.

We have seen our climate change drastically before our own eyes these last twenty or so years, there really is no denying it. The messaging always being that we must do more to help our planet, knowing full well that it isn’t possible for individuals to fix what corporations and their profiteering have done and continue to do unabated. Many of the so-called fixes they sold us on were actually worse than what they replaced. We now ingest on average a credit card’s worth of microplastics each week. Knowing this doesn’t help or change anything, but I can’t shake that factoid from my mind. Or how the paper straws that were supposed to be better for the environment, are actually full of PFAS that are fucking us up everyday. We have had the hottest summer in recorded history and it isn’t going to magically improve just because some very loud and wrong guys insist it will. It could very well be the coolest summer we will experience henceforth.

Your local news in the USA is telling you daily how crime is up! (Shocker: Crime is not up, but police keep that message going in partnership with local news outlets so that they keep getting insider info from police. And the police are able to keep raising their budgets because we are primed to believe crime is always up.There’s a John Oliver episode about this, look it up.) Shoplifting is at a pinnacle! Nothing and nowhere is safe! And if that isn’t enough to scare you, there’s always the homeless that they can show you clips of to keep you silent and sedated in fear that it could happen to you if you step out of line. Here in the SF Bay Area, we have always had a large houseless population, it has simply become more visible during the pandemic as so many more have lost their housing and jobs because of it. They did a study recently in San Jose where they interviewed as many people living on the street as they could. You would be surprised by what they found. More than half of our local houseless population have full time jobs, many have more than one job. More than half were over the age of 50 and had housing and a job within the last six months. Many were forced onto the street due to healthcare costs/debts. Shelters are not safe for most and often a haven for abuse/abusers. Whoever you thought the houseless were, it is all of us, because it could be any of us at any time. More than 60% of Americans are living paycheck to paycheck with less than $1,000 in savings. Just one setback or financial hit could ruin anyone.

In my last post I mentioned briefly some change in my own feelings about folks dining in restaurants, even as a former restaurant owner myself. This change was brought on by the pandemic and how minimizers/deniers insist on being served in restaurants while millions are still dying from the virus. The ones booking holiday vacations on cruises the moment they opened up that industry again. The ones complaining about their vacations being ruined by the wildfires in Hawaii as natives are begging for help. The way they feel entitled to do as they please no matter the harm and cost to others, it is reprehensible to say the least. It is the way in which these folks have had violent outbursts on planes, attacking service workers all over, and just generally being the absolute worst people to be around ever. These despicable humans have made me see the light! Oh, no, not the that light. It has made me see clearly the class divides and the lies we are sold to keep those in power upholding the status quo. Nothing new, but once you see how everything is connected to white supremecist capitalism, there’s no unseeing it. It is ALL CONNECTED!

A couple of months ago I came across this article (try this link if you hit a paywall) and it very truly blew my mind in the best way. I highly recommend you read it and let it sink in, too. While my own travels have been very intentional and brief, comparatively speaking, it is a marker of class and race issues globally that I had not yet connected on my own. Not that the pandemic wasn’t enough of a reason for me to not want to travel, but now I see how harmful it actually is and always was. 

Travel itself is a status symbol, not that this is new at all. There was a time where it seemed more accessible, but I might chalk that up to my own previous naïveté. I constantly see dating profiles (that I swipe left on, thank you!) that say shit like, “130 countries down, 48 to go!” or whatever and I find it repulsive. I don’t begrudge those who seek out meaningful and life enriching experiences that may lead to travel. It is the passport stamp collectors, and those who insist on going somewhere for the sake of it, while learning nothing from the cultures they use and invade that I take issue with. Them and business travelers. We learned during the first year of the pandemic that most if not all business travel is absolutely unnecessary. It is an incredible waste of resources that are growing more scarce by the second.

I see now that the entitled will insist upon being served on the finest porcelain china as the planet burns before our eyes. There are those who feel more connection to the top 1% of the world’s wealthy elite than they do the average worker striking for fair wages or a houseless person living on the street.  The truth is very much the opposite! None of us will ever be wealthy, but many will find themselves stuck in poverty or worse. How we treat others is the legacy we leave behind as individuals, I think.

I solidly believe that human connection is the purpose of life. Capitalism is designed to break those connections, wear us all down, and keep us too tired, desperate, and distracted to think for ourselves, let alone fight back against our oppressors. It is all by design! They never have the money for universal healthcare and universal basic income, yet that defense budget goes up every fucking year! They can find ways to make tax cuts for their rich pals to get richer, but fuck the rest of us who actually pay our taxes. 

Before you “go out” for some fine dining or entertainment, ask yourself who and how many you are willing to kill in order to keep doing those things. I know it sounds dramatic, but it is the reality of our world right now. If you are sitting maskless in a restaurant of any kind, you are willingly and willfully risking not only your own health and livelihood, but that of every worker in that restaurant. That concert or comedy show you attend is put on by a swath of workers risking it all so that you can “go out”. There is no absolving yourself of this, you are doing it by your own volition. Every time you insist upon this shit, every time you are around other humans without a mask covering your nose and mouth holes, you are compromising lives! 

I have heard every argument and I know none are genuinely intended. No, the people of Hawaii do not need your tourist dollars, they need their clean drinking water back! Fuck the airlines, all of them. There are a lot of ways to do a lot of things safely, but how some insist upon the most harm in the name of the most inane things because they insist on being stuck in a past that has left them behind is unforgivable! It doesn’t have to be this way either, but again, a very small few threw us all under the bus and left us to die. Yes, even you! 

No one is immune to covid, I don’t care how many vaccines and boosters you’ve had. There is no hybrid or herd immunity. Stop swallowing the media’s lies and think critically for once. Wear a fucking mask, yes always when around other humans. If we all did this, we wouldn’t have to do it forever. Those of us who have been careful all along need to get more vocal about it, too! If we all take more safety measures, less people will die, period. Because I don’t know who I am passing on the street, and I would not want to be the cause of their loss of a loved one or loss of their own health or livelihood. Most of us don’t even get paid sick days, so it isn’t a fair play to say, “to each their own”.  We are all connected and breathe the same damn air! These masks will be needed for more fires and the toxins released into our atmosphere. It is inevitable. Our air and water are our most sought after resources, and it is already getting scary. 

I want us all to live long and fulfilling lives. No one is guaranteed health or longevity, but we can do things in our day to day lives that make it more possible. Wear a good mask, an N95 or a KN95 are best for disposables. There are reusable options like the Flo Mask. I like my Gata mask for work, it’s affordable, comfortable, and comes in fun colors. Please don’t cave to peer pressure, your life is literally on the line for this one, ya know? It is that serious. We are still very much in a global pandemic, it is very bad right now actually and only getting worse by the day. Because now we have less protections and even those in power working to make wearing masks illegal (I don’t think they can, it is a medical protection afterall, but they do like to try). You won’t really hear me talk much about vaccines because that is a personal choice and it does not prevent infection or transmission, only death and the most severe outcomes. The vaccines may reduce your chances of getting Long Covid, but even that is no promise. Even outside you should mask because being outside only reduces your risk by around 19% last I heard and that is only if you’re not in a crowded area. Sitting across from someone eating, drinking, and talking or laughing is actually a very high risk activity. I will write another post soon about my own mitigation strategies and products I use if others may find it useful. 

Please protect yourself and each other. We are all we got. 

***

I’m here for realness and sincerity, honesty and vulnerability, I’m here for the good and juicy bits of life that shine for me when I know I’m heading in the right direction.

Rad Fatty Love to ALL,
<3
S

Donate to this blog here: https://ift.tt/GKxOH0P currently donations will be given directly to Black women in need through my network.

My blog’s Facebook page for things I share that aren’t on this blog: http://on.fb.me/1A18fAS 

Or get the same shared content on Twitter: @NotBlueAtAll

And as always, please feel free to drop me a line in comments here or write me an email, I love hearing from readers. (Tell me your troubles, I don’t judge.) notblueatall@notblueatall.com

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Conferences, Concerts, and Gatherings…Oh My!

How does one assess their risk when the data is hidden or hampered at every turn? That’s what this is really about. Humans like to gather and socialize and much of our capitalist society has been built upon not only consumption but big collective consumption. Big sporting events and concerts in arenas make huge amounts of money on tickets, parking fees, concession stands, merchandise, lodging, and more! This summer there were some huge headliners touring the entire world during a global pandemic. While many other headliners have had to cancel and postpone shows due to illness. You will almost never hear that they cancelled due to a covid infection because of the insurance policies for these things. They can simply say “mystery illness” or similar things to remain vague. The artists performing in these shows are doing so at a huge risk to their own health and livelihoods, but it does seem that the profits outweigh all of that. Behind every solo performer is a massive team/company of people working in support of that artist, and they are all putting themselves at similar risks in the name of these tours/artists. Each individual that attends these concerts is paying a hefty sum to do so, as well as risking their health and livelihoods. Before you buy that ticket, can you afford to lose your health? For how long?

I am a self professed music nerd. I love the history, the art form, the connections between styles and influences, it all gets me very excited. I can talk a blue streak about it, and I have attended hundreds of concerts in my life so far. I won’t even get into ticket prices now, because I will forever be mad about that and Ticketmaster in general, but the price people are paying with their lives is what I’m focusing on here. You can save up to buy a concert ticket, but there’s no way to save up your health for later times. It’s not a points system, ya know? Because ohmigosh I wish I could! When The Cure announced their tour in the spring, and I discovered that they would be playing at a nearby outdoor amphitheater, I was excited and hopeful. The fact that Robert Smith, singer for The Cure, worked tirelessly to ensure his fans wouldn’t be ripped off by Ticketmaster, I was so impressed and pleased. I hadn’t heard such pushback since Pearl Jam in the 90’s. I signed up for their waitlist and presale things and then never heard a thing again. I never even knew what the tickets would have cost in the end. The Cure are definitely one of my all time favorite bands ever, and I have never seen them play live. You can imagine the heartbreak of not being able to go when they were so near and yet covid was nearer still.

I did all I could to assess my risk, plan how and what I would pack to feel safe. It’s outside right, so less risk! Except, it’s still an amphitheater with thousands packed in for the show. I went to my employer’s holiday party and danced the night away in an N95 mask, so I felt like I could do it. The more I thought about it, and checked my county’s wastewater reports for covid infections, the less I felt comfortable making the choice to go. I had even reached out to an acquaintance who is also a big fan and covid smart but even they were apprehensive about it. I have been to plenty of shows alone before, but not during a pandemic. The way people are behaving more aggressively in public settings in 2023 is also very off putting and being in a big crowd like that just felt like a nightmare. So I stayed home and played their music and had some wine and danced around my little apartment. I watched tons of clips of their shows online and cried at the NYC show clip of Robert singing Plainsong to his wife standing in the wings. So beautiful! When all is said and done, going to a concert is not something anyone actually must do. It is considered a leisure/pleasure activity, and while enriching, not necessary for survival. Just because we want and yearn and long for something, doesn’t make it necessary or safe. There is no way to gather that amount of humans, in this pandemic specifically, without hundreds getting covid. 

Now that covid related data is becoming less and less tracked/monitored/tested/reported, it is nearly impossible to truly know what the full risk of any given situation is. I think this is at least one part of why a lot of people just don’t seem to care anymore. Even those that do just sort of wear a mask and hope for the best. It all feels very impossible. How are any of us supposed to “go back to normal” in any sane way? We’re not! “Normal” wasn’t even working before the covid pandemic. Refusing to care about precautions especially when you don’t know the risks is self defeating and unethical. Those insisting we go back to pre-pandemic living are literally stuck in the past refusing to keep up with the times and adapt to our rapidly changing environment. Those masks that prevent viruses from entering our airways also filter toxins from wildfires and dust/pollen during allergy seasons. They also prevent what far too many believe to be mild or everyday infections like colds and flus (there was never a summer flu, stfu, it’s covid). We never should have accepted any of them as a normal part of life. We are discovering now that exposure to even generic old cold viruses before the pandemic may have made many of us more susceptible to not just worse covid acute infections, but long covid specifically. 

There is so much we were not told about covid. At first we just didn’t know everything, but we did know a lot because Covid19 is SARS2, we already had a SARS1 in the 00’s and many who survived those initial infections have been suffering ever since. Instead of working with that knowledge and framing public health policy and offering resources based on it, leadership in most countries (New Zealand had it right from the start!) chose the path of least political resistance and have since withdrawn nearly all support and resources. Nothing has changed with the pandemic or the virus except those policies and removed resources. People have been dying by the thousands every week just in the USA this entire time, but it is so much worse now and no one is talking about it. We have some treatments for the acute infection phase, but bureaucracy has fucked that up so hard! Someone I follow on twitter had Paxlovid prescribed to them for a course of ten days, but their insurance would only cover/approve of 5 days worth. They were not allowed to even pay out of pocket for the remaining amount prescribed, it was simply withheld. So when leaders tell you we have the tools and treatments, they only mean for themselves, not us.

Those boosters everyone is talking about coming out soon that has raised the hopes for some? Yeah, you won’t be able to get them unless you’re over 65, or severely immunocompromised*. And the MRNA vaccines that we were told would protect against newer variants, waned in its effectiveness after 3 months, to be useless really after 6 months. There is a new Novavax booster coming out that does cover the newer variants and has sterilizing qualities within the lungs, though not preventing infection or transmission, would hugely reduce the worst outcomes for all who can get it. Except no one in the USA will be able to get it because it isn’t produced by the two major pharma companies that have our gov in their pockets that gave us the shitty ones. Our leaders were never truly forthcoming about asymptomatic infections being the biggest spreaders and who specifically is vulnerable to the worst outcomes, it was always framed as “those other people will get super sick and die but you’re okay.” They said we should wear masks to protect ourselves but never pushed or explained 2 way masking or offered quality masks (KN95)/respirators (N95/P100) to those who cannot afford them. In fact we were told that any mask was fine and that we should leave the respirators for healthcare and essential workers. They dropped the big mandate but never actually said it was safe to stop wearing masks. It’s all politically driven and I am amazed at how many swallowed it whole without questioning it.

Now no one is wearing masks except those who know they are high risk or immunocompromised or live with someone who is. Everyone I know IRL eats in restaurants. Even insisting they sit away from others to “reduce the risk”. Which sounds good but that is now how airborne pathogens work! You have to think of it like cigarette smoke, if someone was smoking a cigarette across the restaurant from you, would you still be able to smell it? If you were alive in the 80’s you know the answer to this. I will save my newer thoughts on the insistence to eat in restaurants for another post, but you can almost always get your food to go. So why not go to a lovely park or take it home and watch your fave show, too? When you remove your mask you are not just taking the risk for your own health, either. Those essential workers everyone pretended to care about are being forced and harassed to not wear a mask, and you know no one gets much in the way of sick days/pay in the USA. Think about this for a moment, please. The lowest earners providing “essential” services with zero protections just so you can be served inside of a restaurant. 

“At least we have tests!” Yes, we do, but no one was fully informed on the timing and technique required to get a true result, and many new variants aren’t showing up positive until after 3-5 days of symptoms and no one is testing enough to pick up asymptomatic cases. Free testing sites are gone, getting tests through your insurance is not always reliable, and most cannot afford to buy multiple tests all of the time. I am happy to share that even if your home tests have expired, look them up because most have had the expiration dates extended. I keep up on these things for work, even though I am no longer required to, but I simply a.) give a shit, and b.) kind of can’t stop now. The more I learn the better I can protect myself and I have done very well in that regard, thank you. I do not understand how most folks don’t have that same curiosity and need for more information, but I’m okay with being a weirdo. At least my version of weirdness causes no harm to others. While going out in public maskless around others, yes even outdoors, is absolutely causing harm and even disabling and killing people. I do not want that blood on my hands, so to speak. Just because I don’t live with someone high risk doesn’t mean I don’t want to protect myself and others from the same infection that has robbed me of some of my mobility, most of my energy, caused organ damage, and prevents me from living a fuller life. Wearing a mask seems a small sacrifice of mild and temporary discomfort if it means protecting people from this horrible virus.

There is a new variant of covid that is presenting with only GI Issues and not fevers and respiratory symptoms. This means that many will ignore it and spread it thinking it is food poisoning or something else. Many employers are now not allowing folks to quarantine at home with even an acute infection, most schools, too. There is no stopping this virus with wishful thinking and strict “come to work no matter what” policies. Hospitals are no longer wearing masks, even oncology clinics that have been wearing masks for decades to protect the most at risk patients receiving treatments to live have dropped them. It is unconscionable! We must speak up and be insistent about these things, our lives are literally at stake! Healthcare workers have always worn masks with infectious or vulnerable patients. It is because of the politicization of them that they have stopped, some even lamenting they were worn to begin with. Next they’ll insist hand washing is asking too much. We have the science and data to back up and prove that the protection and mitigations work, but our leadership in every sector has failed us spectacularly. 

There was never going to be hybrid immunity or herd immunity. There was never going to be a true vax and relax way to approach this virus. Covid19 has won. Humanity has lost sight of itself in the face of capitalism. Yes, we are all too tired, overworked and underpaid because of it, too. It is because of this repetitive grind we’re all stuck in that we have been unable to assert our collective power to insist on better things for us all like healthcare and less oppressive employment laws. The USA never had a lockdown, we didn’t even have a true shutdown. Those griping about this and learning loss and how masks don’t work or cause anxiety are only repeating the nonsense the media has pushed on them. This has all been proven to be untrue, regardless of how loud they are about it. If what I wear on my face triggers their rage and righteous fury, that is a them problem and not a me problem. My masked face affects no one. Their rage and harassment is dangerous. Them being wrong and rude could be deadly. Me being right or wrong affects no one. 

There is a way to have gatherings and attend conferences and things safely. First, offering a virtual attendance option should be the norm at this point. It makes your event or gathering more accessible to all. Broader accessibility is never a bad thing! Charge for it, preferably at a sliding scale, so even more folks can join too! When planning your event, access the air flow/ventilation/hvac filters whenever possible. I may be just a simple office manager (ha!) but I know exactly when our hepa filters are replaced and where the vents are and flow to. I have gotten pretty good at identifying these things in other spaces too. Ask questions before reserving a venue! Require masks! This should be a no-brainer! Requiring vaccines is ridiculous when the efficacy of all of them has waned completely and not everyone can access them if they don’t have insurance now that the emergency fed funding has been ended. Again, nothing has changed with the virus’ deadliness and damage, only the funding has gone. Provide access to outdoor areas for people to eat and drink in. Let your speakers/performers know that it is okay to keep their mask on. Have someone to monitor that masks are worn and worn properly. If you see a nose uncovered, it’s like a dick is hanging out of your pants, fix that shit! Simply saying masks are required isn’t enough, but you don’t have to be a jerk about it either. If protections and mitigations are framed from a place of community care as they should be most folks won’t even question it. If you can, provide air purifiers/filters, build Corsi-Rosentjal Boxes for your event. They are a much more affordable option than commercial purifiers. 

The amount of people dead or disabled from others insistence on old world normalcy is unfathomable to most, but I will never forget. People who insisted on having weddings and parties and big vacations unmasked, they may never know specifically who they harmed, but they absolutely fucked up people’s lives permanently. If they were your loved ones? That is on you! We are all we got. We have to protect ourselves and each other. Our leaders aren’t leading! So we have to step up our game in order to survive. That is not hyperbole. With every infection your risk of having long covid increases. You do not want long covid! You really don’t want covid in your body at all if you can help it, but even if you do, you don’t want to share it. I know my mitigations and precautions work because when I had my only covid infection I also had an out of town guest staying with me for four days in my little apartment. I didn’t know I had it yet, but I made sure to wear an N95 and keep my car windows down while masked too. At home I had an air purifier and big box fan going the whole time. My guest never got it and the friend they visited directly after who is very vulnerable, also didn’t get it. The day after they left town is when my symptoms started. These things work! But we must be informed in order to make them work properly. 

Most people cannot believe that covid can disable or kill someone. It doesn’t mean it isn’t true. The damage this virus causes in every organ is not reversible on its own. This thing will be in us forever, and will very likely come back to bite us all in a few years time, like many others before it. It also makes otherwise dormant things pop up like shingles, auto immune diseases, diabetes, cancer cells can reactivate and explode. Oh and if you think you’re not high risk, you need to look at it from a couple of different ways. How will you get treatment or be treated in an overfilled hospital? Are you fat? Do you know how healthcare professionals treat fat people? Yeah, you’re high risk for dying not because of your body size but because of the ingrained biases and stigmas within healthcare! Have you had a covid infection before, even mild or asymptomatic? You’re now immunocompromised! The damage done to our immune systems after any covid infection (symptomatic or not, tested positive ever or not) means you are more susceptible to any and every infection under the sun! This is why there’s rampant fungal infections exploding everywhere. And if you don’t have it and you are seeking healthcare for something unrelated? You are much more likely to get a covid infection in a hospital or medical setting currently, and there’s little you can do about it until they mandate masks again.

So you see, when we are trying to make informed choices in our lives, especially about our own risks with covid infections, we need a lot more information to truly make those decisions. Letting it rip is only easy if you have no conscience and don’t have to look the people you’re killing in the eyes. The more informed we are the better armed we are when we assert our power and demand better resources for everyone. Everything is connected, y’all! It is so clear to me (and it all boils down to capitalist white supremacy). Please wear a mask around other humans. If you take nothing else from this post, make it that! You are worth protecting. We are all worth protecting! Our government is very much okay with a lot of us dying from their profit-driven policies. It doesn’t mean we can’t do all we are able to in order to live a longer and more fulfilling life. I would love to see more virtual options for everything. I would love to see movie and other theaters have masked only showings and public information about their hvac/air filtration online. It is so hard to find places with spaced out outdoor seating, and I live in California. There is so much more we can do to make spaces safer for everyone and the information is out there.

If you would like more information about anything in this post, please leave a comment or email me (see below). I am happy to provide a plethora of resources. I send cases of masks to friends who have run out. If you’re in need of masks, reach out, I will do all I can! 

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I’m here for realness and sincerity, honesty and vulnerability, I’m here for the good and juicy bits of life that shine for me when I know I’m heading in the right direction.

Rad Fatty Love to ALL,
<3
S

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