My horoscope today had one main takeaway: Give yourself the permission to express your needs, wants and desires.
I was telling a colleague about when my roommate’s dog had passed away and how the outpouring of love and gifts and support and affection she received from her coworkers and friends and family was such a shock to me. I had never seen people show up like that for pet loss. My roommate was someone who very much wore her heart on her sleeve, though, so I wondered if that might be why. Thinking back though, I have suffered many great losses, not least of which being my own puggo’s sudden passing. When I think back to those who offered support, showed up for me, or even sent a card of condolence? Two people instantly come to mind (I’m certain you know who you are, too). Outside of them? No one. I even had a friend recently invite me out, “We can walk our pups together!” they gleefully suggested. They had forgotten about my loss entirely. I can’t blame them, we’re not that close of friends to be honest, but it was a bit surprising, too.
I remember attending a funeral of someone I admired and shared community with and hearing these incredible stories from those close to her. I also noticed how so many who knew her never truly felt that they really knew her at all, that there was always this air of mystery. It really struck a chord with me because I realized how that could very easily be said of me. I have a very small friend group and do keep myself to myself pretty much. Yeah I used to share a lot more of myself online here and elsewhere, but that isn’t the same as knowing a person. I wonder what people say about me to others when I’m not around. Not in a way that I feel judged, but I am genuinely curious what impression folks hold of me and if I also am someone people don’t feel they can truly know or get close to. I’ve heard that I am intimidating, which always confuses me, but I’m actually pretty darn friendly.
I do feel as though I know myself better than most people ever get the chance to know themselves. That’s trauma, baby! Oh yeah! Because it was never my intention. Had you asked me a few years ago I likely would have felt very differently but maybe not so close to the truth as I am now. I was more naive, certainly. I often feel like an overcomplicated mathematical equation no one wants to take the time to figure out. I get it! I didn’t always wanna figure myself out either. Haha! Spend a little time, though and it’s gonna be a good one, that I do know. I refuse to be one of those people who view their trauma as a gift, I have worked too hard to heal from it to even begin to play around in that nonsensical toybox. My traumas have given me many skills. Hard won or learned for survival, hardly a gift, though some skills have benefited me over the years and even into my latest career. Being served a piping hot plate of extreme violence everyday of your teenage life for five years is never gonna be a gift, no matter how you wanna slice it. Fuck that!
My feelings were never considered or nurtured growing up. I would often disappear into very close friendships because at least it felt like someone cared about me. I had a bestie from K-6th grade, we were practically joined at the hip. I probably spent as much time at her house as my own. My wants and tastes and desires were the same as hers because I kind of put her on a pedestal. I always felt pale and ugly beside her but that was okay because she was my bestie and I could just be her sidekick. She had blond hair and blue eyes, and that straight shiny hair everyone uses flat irons for nowadays, but it was the 80’s so crimping was all the rage. Ha! She introduced me to music and fashion before anyone else. She had two parents with jobs and a younger brother. They seemed like an all American working class family. That seemed aspirational to me even at 6 years old.
If I asked too many questions at home or shed tears I would get popped in the mouth. Simple as that. So I learned not to show or share my feelings. I learned to stop asking for anything at all. Even for things I needed like shoes or stuff for school or even to get permission slips signed, I would just make up something to tell the teacher instead. It was easier than trying to get my mom to pry her face out of a book or my dad to read a piece of paper or listen to me explain the need to get it signed. I knew my family was poor when I was 5 years old, and I had to learn in kindergarten that what other kids saw as normal I would never have or become.
As I work through reparenting techniques in my healing journey, it has been eye opening to say the least that hearing a compassionate style of parenting in very simple terms on instagram brought me to my knees and sobbing loudly. Hearing this mom talk to her toddler having big confusing feelings just acknowledge and be present for him? I was in shock! It’s not that I didn’t know this existed, I helped raise my siblings and nannied for a few years. I would never yell at or hit a child ever; I could never! So it wasnt that I didn’t know, but hearing and seeing it in action was so impactful for me. If you don’t already follow Korean Dad online, seek him out! His content is what got me started on the reparenting thing because it was the first to show me what I was missing in my life all along, that presence and compassion.
So I worked my way up to this ripe middle age of 45 years old and I wonder who and what gives me the support and comfort and compassion in my life. It was always exterior until I had no one else to look towards for those things. My puggo was my greatest source of love, joy, silliness, and comfort. Now it’s just me. I get to be gentle and tender with myself and compassionate when long term illness has turned my world upside down. Standing here alone, metaphorically speaking, I wonder how to create the relationships I want and need that will push me to do and be better while feeling supported. I really struggle to meet anyone who shares any of my basic values, so how can I ask for or expect more than even just that?! By keeping to myself for so long I was able to survive but that has meant keeping the world at arm’s length, for the most part.
I miss the feeling of spending time with someone and feeling energized by it. It is so incredibly hard for me to feel safe anywhere with anyone, and that is not even getting into my actual trust issues. As I dig deeper in my healing and further my understanding of myself, I see all too clearly how others lie to themselves and each other and it creates a real barrier for me to even want to start something because it feels like an impossible hurdle. Lying is a huge sticking point for me. It is one thing to lie in order to survive, no judgement there ever. But if lying is just part of your daily life? I’m out, I can’t be around people like that. They are choosing to waste their one precious life lying. That is not something I want to expend energy on at all. The only good thing about adulthood is that I don’t have to do that shit if I don’t want to, so I refuse. It makes interpersonal relationships harder, though.
The thing I am currently working through is so simple it is almost embarrassing. Simply put, I am a human, I have needs. I know this intellectually, but feeling connected to my needs is a very different thing and I find that I often ignore or refuse to acknowledge my own needs and desires. I will smile and stand painfully in place as my “batteries” run out completely, leaving myself painfully limping for the rest of the day and sometimes even the next, to prioritize or appear “normal” to others and this alone is fucking me up on the regular. I do better when I can keep moving, but things come up and there isn’t always an opportunity for me to sit down or keep walking. That is just the first one that comes to mind, but it happens often and is the most painful. I understand others don’t know my needs unless I vocalize them. I also struggle with trying to fulfill a need of my own but end up having to explain so much to someone who doesn’t know, or is questioning for whatever reason, that I expend more energy by doing so. It feels impossible, but everything does lately.
I have these strong inner protests with myself. Ha-ha! It feels a bit like arguing with a toddler at times. From trying to coax myself to eat, to going to bed, or especially anything to do with mail or bills, I just wanna fight it all so much. I’m doing well with it all though, compared to even a month ago. Having long covid kinda feels like I’m constantly having to recalibrate my energy or focus all of the time. My memory and overall brain fog has vastly improved over the last few months, and I am sooooo relieved for that! However, the core of my symptoms remains mostly the same. Although I did forget to refill my pill organizer one day and didn’t realize I had suddenly stopped all of my supplements a week later. Oops! Fortunately, I have not noticed any negative side effects since stopping. In fact, I think my digestion may be improving, but I’m a little scared to call it in fear of jinxing it. Ha-ha! I had been on a prebiotic/probiotic since a few months after my gallbladder removal surgery. Maybe I don’t need it anymore?
Feeling better now just means I am having a better time at home alone. Ha! I am still not really going anywhere but work and the occasional park or grocery trip. I am forever grateful and in awe of the boss and team I have at work. I love my office and most of the people I work with are awesome. My commute is short and I recently got back into podcasts to help alleviate the stress of driving in traffic. The “Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend” podcast has had me laughing instead of cursing at dangerous drivers. I recommend it! I also adore”99% Invisible”, which gives deep dives in short form on a range of interesting topics. I do feel like I am listening to the same music all of the time though. I would love to hear something new that just kicks my head in, so leave me your recs if you got ’em.
So I gotta figure out a way to open myself up to others while also honoring and staying connected to my own needs. Not in a huge rush since no one is acting right about covid protections these days, but who knows?! Maybe some fabulous leftist is out there seeking me as well, in their well fitted mask. That is the main issue though, most covid smart folks are staying the hell home. Ha-ha! There’s even covidmeetups.com but it was not designed in an intuitive way and so you end up just getting rerouted to FB groups instead (which I’m already in). Oh well.
Are you dealing with these types of things, too? Have you found ways to work through old patterns and make new ones? Have you had success reparenting yourself? I would love to hear all about it! I had such wonderful progress and breakthroughs last year using psilocybin, but no longer have access. I want to be creative again and make art but haven’t had a spark of inspiration in awhile. I am planning a lil road trip soon so at least I have that to look forward to.
***
I’m here for realness and sincerity, honesty and vulnerability, I’m here for the good and juicy bits of life that shine for me when I know I’m heading in the right direction.
Rad Fatty Love to ALL,
<3
S
Donate to this blog here: https://ift.tt/GKxOH0P currently donations will be given directly to Black women in need through my network.
My blog’s Facebook page for things I share that aren’t on this blog: http://on.fb.me/1A18fAS
Or get the same shared content on Twitter: @NotBlueAtAll
And as always, please feel free to drop me a line in comments here or write me an email, I love hearing from readers. (Tell me your troubles, I don’t judge.) notblueatall@notblueatall.com
via I'm Not Blue at All https://ift.tt/SFLqTC7
