Be messy and complicated and afraid and show up anyways.
I am messy. I am so very complicated. I’m often afraid of far more than anyone would ever guess. I often show up anyways, but lately less so. I find it easier to show up for others than for myself. Even the prospect of fun is not enough to get me to socialize. Why? Mostly because people are assholes or I just feel awkward as fuck in the world lately. That’s closer to the truth, I think. Friends insist my awkwardness is rarely apparent to others, though when faced with my crush I’m a complete disaster. Haha!
I often do things that terrify me and even joke about it. It comes up a lot in job interviews. I think it’s a big part of who I am, now. I face fears. For better or worse, I have found a direct path to growth in my own way. Having said that, I have a lot of struggles and obstacles that keep me from doing things others might see as normal. The grocery store? Ugh! I dread going and often try to go only when I think it will be on the quieter side. Parking insanity is a big trigger for me lately. I don’t really go out much at all during the month of December, though this time it’s mostly due to lack of funds (being unemployed at the moment). I have social anxiety, though I can typically push through it given the right context or environment. I have PTSD (possibly PTSD-C, but I am self-diagnosed so I cannot be sure). And I most certainly suffer from depression. I still live a very active life. I have had a few careers and have done many things no one thought I could, including myself.
Shout out to those having a hard time right now Remember, this is only temporary.
The last two and a half months have been brutal. So much trauma brought up from the past, getting royally fucked over by the head of hr at my last job (I know the truth, regardless of what they covered their asses on paper with), facing poverty on what feels like a daily basis. I am also blessed and filled with gratitude for what I do have during this tough time. I have an incredible support system both in real life and online. I have the unconditional love of my dear sweet puggo and his warmth and silliness never ceases to comfort and amaze me. I have the confidence I never thought I would or could. I surprise myself in this regard and often! In job interviews I see these folks asking me questions from a script with a nervous timbre in their voice. I respond with calmness, humor, sensitivity and, fuck it I’m gonna say it, grace!
At forty years old I have worked unbelievably hard my entire life to get this confidence and support system. Every dark time and struggle pushes me towards new endeavors and so much growth! I never saw the value of that until now, I guess. Through an unconventional and probably-definitely unhealthy relationship, I found my ultimate threshold for and value in patience. I have found the power in silence over reaction, in observation over declaration. I am more me now than I have ever been. I am deeply flawed, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.
We break down, we rebuild, we transform, we conquer.
At every dark turn, we have a choice to a certain extent. We can choose to let something take away from or destroy us, or we can choose to push through knowing a better version of ourselves is on the other side of that obstacle. I have finally found ways to ask for and even accept help, no matter how small it is at the time or how terrible it feels in the moment. I have no regrets. My life’s journey has taken me through nightmarish realities I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemies (I’m guessing I have them, I can’t really say for certain). Surviving those things and those times has shaped who I am and has given me superpowers in a sense. I was stripped of my entire identity and sense of self and started over from scratch to rebuild and start anew at age nineteen. I had to go through a lot to find out who I was. I made mistakes and I learned from them.
I think that is the most valuable thing of all, learning from our mistakes and growing from them. I also think a genuine sense of curiosity and desire to learn is important, as I haven’t always possessed those traits. Human connection is vital, though. We cannot grow, we cannot love, we cannot give, we cannot accept or receive without our fellow humans. Some will test us, some will take, hurt or harm, but in the end, you have yourself and can rely on that most of all. I have been very much inspired and moved by the works of the Bronte sisters and Luisa May Alcott, most of which centers the voice and life of strong, independent women who persevere through life’s toughest obstacles by finding joy in the hardest of work and a true trust of oneself above all else. We can transform ourselves through our choices. We can impact and inspire others by example. When you think no one notices or no one cares, I promise that you are wrong in that.
Rad Fatty Love to ALL,
P.S. Check out and use the hashtag: #FatAndFree on Insta & FB!
P.S.S. Everyone asks about this bathtub, it’s not mine, though I WISH!!! It’s at the Tilden Hotel in San Francisco. This picture was taken at an employee appreciation outing, just 4 days before I was fired for unfair and ridiculously bullshit reasons. It was a great time!
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