Monday, 29 March 2021

Memory Lane is a Long Walk

Hello my lovely readers. You still out there? My stats tell me that you are. I did something last week that turned out to be a very odd but enlightening experience. I read my blog, from the very beginning (Dec ’08) until this year. WOW! I basically watched the events of my life for the last twelve years unfold before my eyes, in my own words. Bizzarre! I found some wisdom, new perspectives, some clear trajectories I had missed, and a true appreciation for what was the “Fat ‘O Sphere” once was. Incredible.

This is me today!

I came to realize that I never really had writer’s block in the traditional sense. Far from it. I never really stopped writing or even posting here. My patterns became slightly more sporadic and less regular, but posting 5 days a week is a tough thing to sustain, so no surprise there. I hadn’t realized just when my writing and the comments discussions here had reached their pinnacle, but I have now and it was a wonderful thing that I really miss now.

Most of all I miss those people, the ones who always comments and had their own things to share or words of love and encouragement for me and other rad fatties. For most I only know their usernames. Others it felt like we talked everyday and then suddenly *Poof* gone. Some I know are literally gone from this world and that has been a hard thing to accept. The reason this blog still stands is because of a friend who passed from Covid recently, Linda. She paid my hosting bill one year when I was truly down and out and beside myself to see this all go away. I thanked her at the time, but now that I’ve read all that I put my heart and soul into all of these years, I’m beyond grateful that what may have felt like a small gesture for her, has and still means the world to me.

So much history! I did and saw and participated in so much in just a few short years. I met so many amazing people, too. I am in awe of it all! I have been on my own and alone for so long that I forgot just how much happened and what I’m capable of. I now know that when things in my life were affecting me negatively but that I wasn’t able to share it I just sort of clammed up entirely. Reading this and watching unfold again made me see how my style and frequency changed due to a romantic relationship that never was right for me (though I wasted four years on it, I am a stubborn bitch to myself, I swear!), and some fat community infighting and bullying made me question my voice and step away to heal.

The biggest thing I noticed is twofold. First, that we all have our own self acceptance journey and fat acceptance/liberation journey. That has its own trajectory and course and once you get all of the fat 101 stuff out of the way, your excitement and willingness to continue those topics become tiresome or even boring. Activists want to build a movement and often disengage from the recruiting and engaging/educating part of that once they are further along on their own paths. I definitely disengaged from the movement itself for awhile.

The second thing is simply that the internet and how we interact with it and each other on it has drastically changed. What was once forums, livejournal, tumblr, and so many blogs is now just instagram, youtube, and tik tok. I still use facebook for this blog and personal stuff but people don’t comment to connect and discuss like they used to. It all feels very distanced and at the same time more aggressive in a way. Seeing the discussions take place here organically was such a treat! I miss that most of all.

I gotta toot my own horn for a moment here though. I have never been good at that so let me try it. I was surprised at the quality of my writing. I didn’t have a lot of confidence in it but it was really lovely to read at times, painful at others, but all of it was of a higher caliber than I had recalled. I feel really good about that. And I should! And I can now, which is the most amazing part for me personally. I feel like a whole different person. In many ways I am. I have no idea what I thought I was going to just magically write a book about, but that’s okay too. Ha-ha!

I’m still happy to write about all things fat when the mood strikes, but I suppose it simply doesn’t strike me to often any longer. I feel like I’ve moved beyond much of it and I want to reconnect but I wonder what this blog would serve as going forward, other than a glorified journal for myself. Nothing wrong with that, but not sure what tone that would take in future if it all became unrelated to fat things, ya know? Hmm…something to ponder.

Yesterday my beloved bff Tigress and I watched a bunch of movies together. We watched the new Tina Turner movie on HBO Max, which was fantastic but some of her life’s struggles mirrored my own (abuse, survival, not trusting, CPTSD, etc) and that was a little tough to get through but nothing too triggering. Then we watched one on Tower Records on YouTube, it was good, brought back some music store memories for me (I never worked at a Tower), but nothing major. Then we watched Kid90 and whoa that brought up some things and also mirrored how I went back to read this blog from the beginning, my own lil’ time capsule in a sense.

So much to process still, and I have some ideas for posts to explore but I feel no pressure to keep anything up, which is nice. I started this more as an experiment at first, I had no idea what this blog would become or mean to me and many others. I will never know the full impact I had on others, but I know it’s a lot and I feel really blessed and thankful for it all. Truly. I am touched by how many reached out to tell me that or to connect or even ask for help. Seeing even anonymous folks comment about these things was a surprise but a good one still.

My puggo is now 11 years old, still at my side everyday, even more so now with the pandemic shutdown. I work from home for the most part and have almost enjoyed it. I say almost because it has also forced me to confront my own bullshit over and over again and push myself to do better to varying degrees of success. Health stuff nearly did me in mentally, even when the mysteries were identified and the pain subsided. It’s just super hard to be good to yourself on all levels when you’re in massive amounts of mystery pain and unable to eat. *Shrugs* But I made it through the crisis and while I”m not going to schedule my surgery until it’s safer to do so, I no longer feel so full of dread on a daily basis.

I am no longer the positivity above all else sort of gal, that is for certain. I am far more cynical, and hilarious if I do say so myself, than ever before. I also feel more grounded and connected to myself as whole and complete person on my own. And I am on my own, 100%! I feel no shame or weirdness in that anymore. It’s a good thing! I don’t feel anything is really missing from my life at this point.

It would be nice to meet a romantic partner and feel good and secure in something like that again. I know now what I want in that regard and will never settle for almost ever again! It’s not worth it. I can do better than half assed and mediocre any day and on my own, so why bother wasting time with someone only phoning it in?! Nah! I have no interest in the superficial. I want the real deal, all in, no hedging, no holdbacks, no bullshit, or I move the fuck on. I may or may not have dumped more than a few millionaires at this point, zero fucks given. (They are a special sort of crazy mixed with entitlement I cannot be around, though I know how this all sounds.)

So yeah, I’m back on being my authentic self and all of that, but far less of the in your face positivity because that was in the end not allowing me to feel the full spectrum of humanity that I needed to feel in order to grow. Positivity can become toxic. There’s a balance to be found in it and there are benefits too. It was all too easy for me to reach a tipping point with that way of thinking that I think forced me to make excuses for others behavior that I simply won’t ever again.

***

I’m here for realness and sincerity, honesty and vulnerability, I’m here for the good and juicy bits of life that shine for me when I know I’m heading in the right direction.

Rad Fatty Love to ALL,
<3
S

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