All of those rules, you know the ones, that fat people should never ever do. I know I have been on this journey a long-ass time, but looking back I have been able to see so many small steps that lead me to where I am today. Every time I tried something new, scary, daring, or just unknown, I didn’t just survive, they pushed me to grow and that’s fantastic! I can feel like a rebel and a badass and still get shit done in regular life terms.
Look, it’s not all about being rebellious, although that does help me at times, but it is about finding and doing what it is that you actually want to do with your life, with your body, your attention and love, and on your own damn terms, thanks. That’s what this is all about! I don’t personally give a shit what size you are, and I know a lot of non-fats used to read this blog, so the more the merrier. I do care about honoring your best self, even if you haven’t found that person within you yet. Honor them.
When you think about what you’ve always wanted in your life, what do you see? What does it look and feel like? Is it full of feathers and glitter and glam? Is it a life in service of others? Is it filled with laughter and love and excitement and enrichment? Whatever it is, what in your life now is also a part of that dream life? What one small thing can you do today to embody that life? Me? Oh, I just set up my new water flosser and I’m nerdily excited about this!
I am not great at establishing routines of any kind, at all, ever. I am not completely sure why that is, but I keep trying. My dental hygiene has been both improved and very much not this past year of pandemic shutdown life. My old water flosser broke years ago and I never figured out why it died and part of me insisted I could not spend the money to replace it due to that mystery, it’s ridiculous. I get these very fixed ideas in my head and then it’s like I’m really only fighting my own silly self. So I got a new one, upgraded model, for a steal on eBay. Woot! Then it sat in the box for two weeks. Ack! But I’m trying! So I got it out today and set it up to charge overnight. Progress, of any measure, is still progress. And now I’m stoked to brush my teeth tomorrow! Ha-ha!
I want a life of joy and balance. I want a life filled with love, poetry, music, and art. I don’t want to work my fingers to the bone until I drop dead on the clock, though right now that does look to be my future. I am holding onto to hope that the things I’m doing today to align myself with this so called dream life of my own creation will lead me to where I need to be. This includes things like saving money and paying off my debt.
Money shit is so fucking hard! It just is! It doesn’t have to be but this is the life capitalism created so fucking be it, for now. I had been paying down my debt for ages, feeling like it was never going to end or even let me get a leg up. I did the thing where you get 0% balance transfer cards and that worked for two years. Then I was just throwing huge wads of my hard earned cash at the thing and it felt fucking futile! My credit scores have gone up considerably and while I only checked a few months ago, two weeks ago I found a personal loan offer for like 3% interest with no early payment penalty and jumped on it. I use Credit Karma for my monitoring, tax filing (it’s free!!!), and to get offers on new cards and loans and such (they even have checking/savings accounts now). Because of that loan I now know that I will be 100% out of debt in 12-14 months! What a relief!
Often when we’re living our day to day we cannot see where we were versus where we are now. It all just feels very same-same. This can make us feel worse and worse about ourselves, our choices, where we are and want to be in life. We all fall into that trap, I do from time to time. I used to wish in a deep, longing sort of way, that I would one fine day have my very own (rented) one bedroom apartment in the south bay. I had so much instability in my housing the last couple of places, and the jobs I had then, that it really shook me. Through zero magic I have exactly the apartment I’ve always wanted! It still feels palatial at times (my last one was a studio), but it’s still something I forget to be proud of at times.
Waking up in the morning and having no one else to worry about or answer to (besides my puggo, I swear he thinks he’s my supervisor!) is fucking glorious! I never feel lonely in the morning, lemme tell ya! It’s the best feeling in the world to wake up, no matter how hesitantly (I’m no morning person), and stretch out your every limb and yawn and breathe in deeply from this new day without anyone else’s energy invading that moment. That is peace, my friends. I do worry that I won’t have the tolerance to live with another person again but I trust whatever the universe throws in my path for that side of things. Meh.
Because I’m done with the expectations of others. I am so over having to explain my every breath, movement, blemish and thought to someone who very likely doesn’t fully give a shit and even if they did more likely won’t understand anyway. Bitter Betty much? Perhaps! It will take a lightening strike in human form to grab my attention at this point, let alone holding it. I check my privilege right here on the dating thing, it’s mostly been easy for me in the past, but the more I know and appreciate myself the less patience I have with nonsense. Modern dating is FULL of NONSENSE! AHEM!
Back to the honoring bit…
There are so many lessons to be learned here. I don’t recall where I first heard this concept but it has helped me considerably. I had always wanted things and never truly envisioned the life that I wanted, so it left me focusing on the wrong things and actions, ya know? Once I started to really think about it and picture in real world terms what I truly wanted, like deep down, well, it seemed more possible and that in itself is a huge motivator. Now I can revise and change what that may look like for me at any time, and that’s needed occasionally, but I can hold this example up for myself and do my best to align current choices and actions to that, to honor that life I want.
I cannot make my own version of Gomez Addam’s knock on my door suddenly. I would likely not answer anyway, I mean, unexpected knocks go unanswered here, sorry Gomez. I can do the things that my dream life includes and I can be the partner I want to be now for myself so that when such a Gomez (of any gender identity) pops into my life I will be ready to accept that love and partnership. Just a month ago the thought would have terrified me. Ha-ha!
I still think there is great value in the “fake it til you make it” way of doing things. I mean, isn’t that just practice? And practicing things makes them easier and you more masterful of your own life! WOOT! I love that! I mean, hey, I certainly do not have all of the answers. I share because I care and I want to help others. That’s it! I could just as easily write this in another place where no one would see and help no one but myself by merely getting it out onto any ole page. I know better and so I try and do better.
Let’s all honor the self we want to be and embody those traits now in any small way that we can. I want to be more active and today I was already able to accomplish that. It feels good. I checked off some work stuff that was weighing on my mind because I dread them (self assessment, blegh). Now I feel lighter and more able to focus on other things. I even found out that the huge project I was hoping for the end of the year has been approved and the wheels are now in motion! What?! I’m genuinely stoked, though I know by November I will be stressed to the max and wondering how I could get excited at all. Ha-ha! But I know what I am capable of now and I have the confidence and reputation to back it up! Watch out!
What do you envision for your future self? A life spent in nature or surrounded by family? Some leisure time or overseas travel? I kinda wanna take a big juicy bite out of the world, but I’m pacing myself as best I can until this whole pandemic thing is done (WEAR A FUCKING MASK! GET VACCINATED, FFS!). How can we honor that vision today? What are we neglecting or what is weighing on your mind? I made a phone call today I had put off for two weeks. So silly. But it was really easy, so why did I put it off?! Welp, it’s done and I no longer need to think about it at all. I hope you can find some small way to honor your best self and take a load off your mind, too.
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I’m here for realness and sincerity, honesty and vulnerability, I’m here for the good and juicy bits of life that shine for me when I know I’m heading in the right direction.
Rad Fatty Love to ALL,
<3
S
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