How is it July?! This week I went back to everyday office life and it has not been easy. While part of me was excited to go back and feel like a part of something again, another part of me, namely my gallbladder, had something else in mind entirely. Ugh! Yeah, two weeks ago, after no gallbladder pain since the beginning of November, my gallbladder pain returned in full effect. The fucker! After the first week of feeling truly terrible I emailed the surgeon and her assistant trying to get this damn thing removed already. Well, California “opened” on June 15th and well before that the surgery departments have all been booked up for months. I was fine with waiting when I had no debilitating pain, but now? Um…I don’t think so!
The surgeon at first told me to go to the ER but I explained that they didn’t believe I was in pain when I was at my absolute worst last August. After months of wrong diagnosis and testing it was the surgeon, on a hunch over the phone, who discovered what the real issue was. She was the only one who listened to me, who asked about the rest of my life and lifestyle. Because of that I know that I don’t have a blockage or stones, I just have a gallbladder than quit its only job. She wanted to use a robot for the surgery, mostly due to the fact that they also found a mystery mass that while benign it actually grew since the start of the year so she wanted to remove it. This would mean two separate surgeries that could be done in one session using the robot. Now that my pain is back she suggested going with the regular laparoscopy and only taking the gallbladder. I said yes!
I haven’t heard back since but I do have an in-person appointment with her next week so I’m hoping for more answers then. In the meantime my life is ruled by this pain. I feel fine in the mornings when I get up, and for a few hours after. Until, that is, I eat. Yeah eating is a basic function of life. So I went for a few days of not eating until 5 pm, which is the pits and I do not suggest it. But I had to prepare my office for the big reopen. I loved working from home, but suddenly that was no longer an option (I’m an office manager). I wanted to do it, but my body was fighting me every step of the way. Then I had four days in a row of no pain and I got soooooo much done at home. I rearranged my living room, cleaned, built a shelf, did all the laundry, washed the dog, went on a date (my first since Dec. 2019)…
Then my first day back at the office and I started to feel crummy before lunch. I thought I was just extra hungry because I had gotten up so much earlier than usual and hadn’t slept much that night. Nope! Fucking gallbladder! UGH! It took two more hours before it became fully apparent what it was. I can only take Tylenol so I just waited and left work a few minutes early. When I got home I just collapsed on my bed with my puggo snuggled up beside me. After an hour I finally got up and fed the puggo, took some Tylenol, vaped some cannabis, and laid down again. I would not have been able to eat at all if not for the cannabis. Once it all kicked in I was able to sit upright and eat and take care of some things at home.
The part about this that truly sucks is that my life is now ruled by when this pain will return. Will it be another three days of pain followed by four days of no pain? Will it just wreck me entirely? And why can I not get scheduled for this fucking surgery?!?! I understand things are backed up, but this ain’t no mole removal. I’m actually terrified of having surgery, more so being put under anesthesia. I’ve never been put under for anything. Not being able to make decisions for myself, especially medically speaking, is one of my biggest fears. Facing it alone is not what I had planned, but it is what I must do and so be it. It is far better than just living with this awful pain.
People keep telling me that gallbladder pain is some of the worse you can experience. Yeah, no shit! I put on a tough facade, but lemme tell ya, at home I am all moans, groans, and whines. Dealing with this for so long seems absolutely cruel to me at this point. Yet there’s nothing I can do about it either. I just keep getting up every morning like it’s going to be fine. Some days it is fine. When it’s not it is unbearable. I cannot live my life like this.
It’s been weird, too, to have to be “on” again at work all of the time. After wearing PJ’s and not worrying about my looks at all for fifteen months, I kind of like putting a little makeup on in the morning. Driving in traffic I could definitely do without. Ha! The few people who have come into the office have been great though. All very complimentary. I have a new boss who seems to give a shit about way more than any of my previous ones, so that’s cool. Usually with my job people only really notice what it is I do when something goes wrong. Having people in the office thanking me for getting it ready and assisting them feels good.
I’m so grateful to have what I do and be where I am in life and I am doing my best to take nothing for granted. It is an odd feeling to both thrive and struggle through on my own. It is a hard thing to explain. When I’ve had my darkest moments in the throes of truly horrific pain, I can’t imagine having someone else around or looking after me. It has often been when I’m having bursts of joy and silliness, dancing around in my little apartment, that I wish I had a person to share those moments with. I don’t feel that my life is lacking in any meaningful way. I have jolly good fun on my own with my puggo. My nearest and dearest, though spread far and wide, are very supportive. Once this gallbladder is outta me, I’m definitely going to “get out” more, but I also won’t feel bad about preferring my own company at home.
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